vent

Hey, I know I'm not supposed to dump stuff like this but, the difference between dumping here and with people you know. Here you all get to ignore this, while if I would tell my loved ones, guilt would eat me up. They can't ignore my feelings. If they would, that would honestly hurt more than a bullet. And I just need to get this out of me. You can skip this btw. <3

 I have felt unhappy for quite some years now, crying myself to sleep and bed rotting has been my life for some years now. I'm typing this after a breakdown. I feel so selfish for thinking this way, there are people who have way worse and aren't even complaining. 

Guess I started to feel this way around 2016. My parents fought often, that was the year they went apart. Their screaming would make me cry in my room. Mom got full custody of me, I visited dad in school breaks or in the weekends (I went in some weekends till 2019). I never really liked my mom as much. She would always be mad at me. She's sweet but is like the definition of guilt tripping. All my bad grades were bad for her, she would cry after I said something wrong. Often saying she wished she unalived herself. I was 8-9. I feel horrible for not being the best child, but I believe you shouldn't put such emotional baggage on a child. I remember one time in particularly, I got my report card (I used to be a straight A student) and it had like 5 B's. The rest was all A's. I was terrified of my mom. She would yell at me and I got grounded. Whenever I think of that moment, getting a B isn't all that bad. Mistakes happen, so I don't get why she was so mad at me for that. 

In Middle school, I actually hated my mom. She would only be mad at me and just make me feel miserable. This feeling fainted, I still feel some discomfort with her but I have learned to love her. When I tell you that those 2 years in Middle school were like the worst ones I had ever. I never fit in. I only had some friends, the ones from primary school, and even then most of them started to back away from me. Loneliness would just swallow me whole. Every evening I would go to bed felling cold, a cold shiver from feeling lonely. I kept some friends but even those I have lost contact with now. This is the timeline where i questioned my existence, honestly though what am I doing here?  I had a bf around this time, I broke up w him multiple times. He wouldn't accept my boundaries. I dated a girl once, just to see my feelings. I broke up with her because I lost interest. This was in 8th grade. I broke up with him for the second and last time in January 2023.

 In 9th grade I feared everything. Class was hard, never had motivation anymore and honestly lost interest in life in general. No one from the other class liked me, only people from my current class like me. Or at least I'm assuming they didn't like me, they never verbally told me. Honestly the only thing that made me not want to cry myself to sleep were the habits I got caught in overtime. Both my parents drink, it's fairly normal at home that I join in. I like writing. I write my feelings into a story, but today the story is about me.  I wanted to jump off the building near my house tonight, I would leave the house at 5 am and have my last cig on the top of the building and then jump off, head first to guarantee my death. The weather said that it'll rain at approximately 4 am. Is it a sign? Is this God's was of saying that it's not worth it? 

Honestly, if you read this.. Thanks, you don't know how much this means to me, finally having someone listen to me feels amazing. Thank you all <3