thinking..

i just finished work not too long ago and just start thinking about everything, like i’ve been doing for the past 2-3 weeks or so..

a lots happened obviously but a lot of my thoughts now tend to go to the future and be about what i’m going to do from now, and as much as i like to say all that thinking has got me somewhere, it really has mostly made me kinda cynical..there’s not a whole lot to distract me now especially when ur just in a car for half the day so i just get too deep into it

i sorta realized that my life has been in a standstill for a while now, everyone else ik is getting up in their lives and  progressing with something they really want to do, but cause of everything that’s happened to me i haven’t done much of anything..the idea of my friends going up in life should make me happy but all it does is make me sad that i can’t do the same and that eventually i’ll be so far behind that there’s no way they’d even wanna be associated with me(〒︿〒)

my family wernt the best people but it still felt like i could go higher in my life if they were there, but now that it’s basically just me i don’t think it’ll be possible anymore. the thing that scared me the most is really just the fact that ik how this is gonna turn out, some of my friends have alr stopped talking to me as much as before and yes while some are much closer to me than others and i still talk to those few in the same way, im sure that’ll change once they meet someone that can fill the same role i had

it’s not like i don’t get it cause i really do, im not someone desirable to say the least, if even my family didn’t want me, why should someone who has no blood ties to me deal with a person like me. even with that tho it just really hurts to think about it..

i’m sure this didn’t really make much sense but it’s just a bunch of my thoughts jumbled together from the past few weeks, i should have some plans soon tho so i should at least have fun with that once the time comes ( ◕‿‿◕ )