A day

I haven't posted one of these since MySpace was around. But I'm having a day. I need to vent. 

I decided a few days after christmas that I'd open my own business. It's not so much to be my primary income - I still have a full time job and I spend my free time trying to get my own business off the ground. When I say it's not going well, I mean it. Sourcing shit has been a literal nightmare. I signed up to do shit I've never even attempted, so not only am I running a business (which I've also never done), I'm also trying to create products I've never made before. Every moment of this is new and it's because the mission is important to me. 

Earlier this year, my sweet dog passed away. After that, I had more time to focus on this and it became more important to me. But today was hard. By far, the most humiliating day as a business owner so far and I hate that I'm probably going to have more days like this. I hope it's just from lack of sleep, but the feeling of various roadblocks are making me insane. Sourcing one specific thing has been a nightmare. I've reached out to so many people and not one has responded. I get wanting to have a monopoly on a market and wanting to keep secrets. But as it turns out, I'm not competition.. I'm looking for one item. I'm not a reseller, I'm a manufacturer - and I have zero intention to buy the fancy things that get people into stores. But those wholesalers are apparently a secret? Everyone in the industry is gatekeeping local wholesalers and again, I get why, my word means nothing. But I'd also love to be successful and make an impact. And I unfortunately don't know the right people yet.

During this whole day though, the people in my life are letting me down. One of them put me in the situation that has me upset. The others are MIA when I need them, so I feel like NOTHING is going okay. Even the damn bugs on my plant are sending me into a tailspin because HOW THE FUCK are there still aphids when I have treated it literally 4 times?!

I'm a very secure person in being alone. I enjoy solitude. I handle most things alone okay. But it's really really bothers me that I've got no one around me right now that I can talk to. One is the source and I'm not trying to hurt that person's feelings. The rest just aren't answering. So now I'm spiraling. Thinking about how I don't really need anyone in my life. How it's impossible to rely on the people around me because of bad information or them just bring completely absent. I know it's only partially true. I want to have people I trust and can rely on, but I don't like that often that's not what you get.