we stay silly, we stay alive, we breathe and are free

ive decided in order to help manage my dysphoria more & also in order to helkp me actually get off my butt and start pushing myself to move more to being an actual adult i should uh i should fuckin uhhh

im gonna video-log myself every now and then with the old DV cam i have. something about involving myself in this longer process of using a camera pointed at me, its like it forces me to involve myself more in the wider process of Being More An Adult. also i really like the look and feel of DV

ive been helpinhg out an old friend as of late, she's moved out and has her own place. and every time i help her out, im reminded of how GOOD it feels to be free like that, it inspires me. it makes me feel like i can do that. it makes me less afraid, less alone. i feel alive. and it makes me wanna start, now more than ever. also one of my cousins, the oldest girl out of them, shes in a similar kind of place where shes getting her own house recently and starting to be able to raise her kid more and it like,,, it warms my fucking heart. so much. i came out to her the other day because we were able to spend some really good time together and she like. she has my back 100% and is really fucking proud of me and loves me and i cant wait to continue to grow into someone that makes her proud

idk if i'll ever post the DV video-logs up somewhere once ive filled out the first tape (over time), i feel like i'd have to reeeallllyy be comfortable sending it out to my friends cause its got My Face all in it and dysphoria is A MOTHERFUCKER. but idk i miiiight do it sometime, sharing it with good friends. yknow

obiously im still very scared about how im gonna actually do it all, i get worried that i wont get a job, im worried that i wont be able to support myself in all of this. you know how it is. but like all this shit makes me feel less afraid of it all. its like the reminder that "oh yeah, these kinds of fears are still very real but they are also fears that all sorts of folks my age feel. its like just kind of an Adult Thing to worry about all this. thats why we stay silly, because we're strong" idk i know it comes across as sappy and MAYBE it is sure, but its keeping me alive more than the doomer mindsets

maybe this world is beautiful after all