stupid vent

i just need to get this off my chest

trigger warning for mentions of self harm 

i really REALLY miss my mom

a bit of background info about me, im in foster care with my older brother, ive been in foster care since i was 8. yes, i have visted my mom multiple times, but since march 2023 i think, me and my moms relationship hasnt been the very best. ive visted her a couple times since then, and some of those other vists werent the greatest either. since january, i havent seen or been in contact with my mom. 

during that last visit, before then, i self harmed on both of my arms (im doing better now so dont worry <3) and now i have scars. my mom saw those scars, and she said that they were ugly multiple times. while at that visit, we went to a store and i tried on some clothes, and i took off my hoodie. after that visit, when i got home, she texted me saying that the lady, one of the staff there, at the store, was asking questions about me that i was not aware of. my mom said that she was embarrassed by that, and my scars. this did make me feel more insecure and upset, and so i blocked her number, after telling her that i wont always be covering them and other stuff. 

i know i could talk to her again but i dont want to since it does make me uncomfortable, even though i still miss my mom. i always do. 

whenever i simply think of her, i feel like i'll start crying. earlier i was crying quite a bit because of that, and thats why i decided to make this post. by the time im writing this part, im not crying anymore, and i do feel a bit better now that ive written about it. if you have read it this far, thank you for reading, i really do appreciate it. <33