20:02

tw just in case; animal death

I don't think anyone's reading this stuff, and it isn't really my intention but just remembered all of this is still in a public place. I don't mind it though, just like this platform to vent and idk,, just writing and posting. 
Even this entry is a conversation with myself more than anything heh but I realized that until yesterday I was trying to avoid mentioning it as it is.

Now, more formally; Mochi my dear,

I'm still writing to you, though, even when it's just me rambling.I feel that the voice who lives in my head has turned into you in a way Mochi. And like, I realize that at the same time that visualizing in my consciousness that it's the both of us who're having a conversation makes me sad because I can't physically touch you, it makes me feel less alone, and I have been nicer with myself. So thank you for taking care of me in that way, and not letting me crumble

Well I went for a walk, and started thinking that the worst feeling ever has been to know that someone is dying and panicking, trying to do anything in your hands and realizing that in a second there's nothing else left to do. It doesn't get better,,, with each time, I just feel more useless if anything.

Anyways, on this note, I have been quite anxious, as thinking about your death on this plane of existence ineluctalbly makes me think about how will it be when my Flancito is on that situation too. I know I shouldn't do that, and what matter the most is that he is still here at the moment. And I really will give my all for it to be in a looong long time, but my mind cannot help going there.
I want toi think that he'll wait for me like you did. And we will both be there with him when it happens. He'll be happy to see you again, I know that. He is even mmore grumpy than when you last saw him, but without food inbetween, I'm so sure he'll be happy to be with you. You two were the most loyal companions to each other, no doubt.

I don't want to have to sign an euthanasy authorization ever again, even if I didn't even got to actually sign it.
I also remembered how when it happened my dad said like 'don't you think it's a possibility that they -the vets- did it on purpose' as if I hadn't had you in my arms and felt and say you dying. They were the ones who had to calm me down when I collapsed and heard my cries and screams. He didn't even want to come with me when I asked and it's whatever, but cmon, it was the second thing he said that wasn't necesarry at all. I know it was because he was sad too, because that's what he does; he acts like an ass. It really isn't important anymore but I wanted to complain at least once about it.

A nice that happened today though, I was sitting on the grass for a bit and a little chihuahua scared me because he appeared out of nowhere and licked my hand. I laughed and I pet him, and it reminded me of your soft fur -although it wasn't  soft as yours ofc!!-. It made me happy, although I cried a little. He was such a happy pup!!

I've also seen lots of ladybugs and caterpillars, and I want to think it's been you sending little friends to say hi. 
Even if you're not here anymore, I know you are still somewhere, whether my head or another place. 

Love you my baby.