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My mom was in the hospital the other day. it just to happened to be my brothers birthday that day as well

I spent all day so upset, thinking to myself "where the hell is she?" " shes really at her boyfriends house the day of his birthday?"

I didn't know until about 9 that night when she called me that she had just gotten out of surgery because her boyfriend pushed her. 

i felt a lot of things in that moment, but I think the most prominent one was anger (as it always is with me) I was angry that she was barley telling me, I was angry at myself for being selfish that whole day. 

more than anything I needed a hug. someone to let me talik to them and comfort me. where else was I to run but my sweet, loving boyfriend. he was the only person I could think in that moment to help me, I basically ran over there just so desperate for reassurance that I wasn't the worst daughter alive.

he got in the car and could tell something was wrong, and I could hardly wait to tell him. yet once I did say what little I could its like he shut off. 

yet again Im left sitting in a silent car wondering why I had to put myself here. i was left sitting there embarrassed for what felt like all night. he could hear me sniffling as I pulled off, and he could hear the shake in my voice when I told him I wasn't hungry anymore. even that was met with more silence.

"you know how it makes me feel when I'm forced to sit in a silent car like this"

"I know I just really don't know what to say" is all he says? i don't need him to SAY anything. all I had needed was a hug, but I'm far past that now. he breaks the silence with compliments on my shirt, and small talk about his family, all of which I would be so happy for if I wasn't fighting myself in my head.

he made it much worse that night and I still cant come to forgive. 

the embarrassment of trying to keep myself together while driving. the tears I cant help from streaming down my face, or the sadness that my eyes betray me by showing. i know he saw all of it. the one person I'm supposed to go to for comfort and I was left standing alone.

i supposed that's why I'm back here after a while. i guess ill be coming here to scream to the void because at least then I'm never expecting an answer.