relationship PTSD and PTRS vent posting

i have been struggling with coming to terms with the effects my last long-term relationship had on me. the PTSD is real, but for some reason i've gotten to a point where it's just kind of in the background of my mind now. early december, when the break up was still fresh, it was really all i would think about all day and all night. october-november was really when it all started getting to my head but i didn't have the courage to break things off because i was in love with him. his rage, anger, frustration, forcefulness, and violent tendencies kept me hanging on tightly to him. i could not imagine a life i lived without him in it. i waited until he officially broke things off. i became short with him because most of the time, i had no idea how to even talk to him or even look at him like the man i fell in love with. his presence started to fill me with dread and it felt like he could explode with anger within the drop of a pin. disagreements turned into degradation. quality time into something twisted and perverted. a soft arm around me into a balled fist launched into my chest. a pink handprint on the back of my thigh. a yank on my wrist when i didn't do what he wanted me to do, or act how he expected. it's really interesting how quickly a single person can rip away your autonomy, and make you question the kind of person you were before them. i feel like i am forever transformed because of him. i try to think positively, but i can't forget everything that he did. i can't forget what we were. how much it meant to me. i constantly have night terrors involving him, and i wake up and notice that i had already been crying in my sleep. i'm not quite sure when the fear settled in, but it's been here awhile, and has caused me to have to look into getting blackout curtains. i also can't sleep at night unless i am completely smothered in heavy blankets. without them, i feel "loose" and unprotected. i often hide my face by bundling them as well. i've also been looking into getting a canopy for my bed to have extra covering for a safe space. i've struggled confiding in friends and family about my fears directly caused by the PTSD because i feel like i will be misunderstood. to think that he's on the other side not having the same feelings as me used to bother me a lot, and they still do a little bit. he doesn't close his eyes tight and hyperventilate. he doesn't know how it feels to really, genuinely, be scared of somebody.

feelings change, memories don't