trapped in the country i was born in, and other notes

disclaimer: ive known most of this stuff as abstracted independent facts but i recently had some spare time to myself to get incredibly existential when it came to the situation i was born into.

blablabla yes i know im very privileged to be here and im incredibly lucky to be born into the western world. im not gonna say explicitly where im at but my speech very likely alludes to where im from. whatever. im extremely lucky to be in my financial, political, societal position etc etc etc

however.

i live in a surveillance state. it is very hard to leave this place. they make it sound impossible and unreasonable to leave. they make everyone else look bad from such a young age its hard to deprogram no matter how much truth you know about the world outside of this country.

been thinking about some subconscious things that were programmed into me at a young age so i thought id keep track of them (note: i know these probably sound crazy i just. dont care about sounding batshit anymore):

• nowhere else has freedom of any kind. you cannot speak freely anywhere but here, or believe in what you wish to believe in any other country. this is the only place in the whole wide world that you can do what you please when you want. except its not!! saying many of my opinions on how things should be run or publicly observing my religion would get me attacked immediately. conform or die. it doesnt matter that we hold an illusion of freedom- it is only freedom for those who only believe in the same beliefs as the elite.
• why would you want to be anywhere else? everyone is desperate to come here- just ignore all the people fleeing due to political strain. there is certainly no reason that people want to leave- nevermind the rapid inflation. no one wants to work anymore? no one wants to HIRE anymore, all they do is lay off endlessly and remain horribly understaffed until they drop dead.
• having guns in every inch of your life is normal . having a school cop is normal. being handed a gun at a young age is normal and essential to the true patriotic experience. living in a house with enough fire power to support a small army is normal. being constantly worried about being killed on a day to day basis is normal . researching towns to not stop in to prevent being murdered is normal. being trained for the capitalist machine is normal. death is everywhere and it shouldn't be scary at all, just ignore everyone dropping like flies. ignore every perceived minority dying in record numbers. ignore hate crime, ignore everything that doesnt directly affect the white populace.

im not sure how much more of this i can take . i will never be able to afford a place of my own. i will never be able to live in a house. i will never be free from the people who have hurt me. they are omnipotent even in my mind. i cannot financially or psychologically afford to live in this country or this residence anymore. i fantasize about being able to afford to admit myself into psychiatric care, or being sent to prison because at least then things would be consistent and make sense- no matter how cruel or grueling it may be. nothing will be worse than the level of brain frying i have had to endure when i did not understand that my surroundings were not normal or acceptable. little me was able to be so blissful even if it was a coping mechanism. im so proud of them and i know they would just think im doing my best probably but i think going to a high security prison is genuinely the only way i can have my needs met without losing my fucking marbles.

does anyone else dream of prison or wards for the prospect of shelter and food?? im starting to think my goals arent the most conventional but they surely cant be too unique.

for now i sit in a void of recycled childhood tension and worrying silently about the unknown- the future, i guess. i dont know if i care anymore. i have a lot of thoughts about things but that doesnt mean i necessarily care about any of it. i can ramble all i want about shit that doesnt matter to me let alone anyone- but if i cared, i wouldnt be able to tell. i wonder if my therapist would know. i miss her. i havent been able to see her since jan, and i have no one i dont inherently feel guilty for talking to about life stuff. maybe this will help.

alexithymia is kicking my ass. not like it's ever been kind to me lol. but now, i have nothing- no ambition, no passion, no nothing- i dont want to do anything ever again, because every nerve ending in my body will worry about monetizing my hobbies and making enough and taxes and money and money and money and money and m