ADHD Diagnosis, Meds, & More

Super random update honestly, but I feel like this has been such a huge turning point in my life.

A few weeks ago I was finally diagnosed with ADHD-Inattentive--along with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD, although I still have my suspicions I could be autistic as well--and it came as no surprise to me ironically. I'd had my suspicions throughout the years that I fit somewhere along the neurodivergent spectrum but up until college I had been functioning well enough that a diagnosis wasn't really warranted (at least that's what I had thought). What finally pushed me to get a diagnosis though was failing out of college last year after hanging on by a thread in school for three years. My grades were plummeting, my relationships were deteriorating, I was gaining weight like crazy, and I rarely wanted to get out of bed. My entire life was falling to ruin. Eventually, one summer class I was taking gave me an assignment that required a 20+ page essay and I just didn't do it. I physically couldn't do it. No matter how much I liked or disliked a certain class I just couldn't get any work/reading done. 

The following year leading up to now has been the lowest point of my entire life. I've been practically unemployed since June 2023 just wasting away on my parents' couch feeling like an absolute waste of skin. Since my diagnosis however, I've felt like I actually have agency over my life again, at least partially. I have resources and plans set in place that work with my brain instead of against it. What has truly been eye opening however has been the introduction of 10mg of Adderall XR.

Initially, I was very hesitant to take stimulants to treat my ADHD, and there were two reasons behind this: 1) I wasn't entirely convinced my diagnosis was accurate, and it was especially muddied by the fact that PTSD symptoms like memory issues/irritability are highly common in ADHD as well.  2) It sounds stupid, but due to prior experiences with caffeine (heart palpitations, anxiety) I assumed another stimulant would produce similar effects. If I had taken the time to look into it I would've realized the method of action of caffeine is slightly different than that of amphetamines like Adderall.

On the day of my first dose, I was terrified. I wasn't sure how this new drug was going to make me feel, and I was also of the mindset that if I ended up having a misdiagnosis I could end up "tweaking out" or getting addicted. I sat at the kitchen table just staring at this tiny, blue-white capsule for what seemed like an hour trying to muster up the courage to just take the dive and swallow it. Once I finally popped the pill I had a pretty bad anxiety attack for around 45 minutes until I started to feel it start kicking in. This is when it got really interesting.

I was sitting on the couch scrolling through my phone trying to distract myself from the anxiety just looking at bullshit until I realized there was no background music or multiple conversations blasting back and forth through my skull. I was just reading one thing, and once I stopped, there was just...silence. I kind of let out a weird, relieved laugh as I realized what was happening. It felt freeing. Following this, I drove my mom to my grandpa's nursing home (he's in hospice right now) and one of his friends was there to comfort/support him. Typically I would be awkward and not know what to say in these kinds of situations, but I actually felt somewhat confident in being able to say what was on my mind in a coherent order! I was still somewhat awkward as usual, but this time I felt much less. Typically my mind just goes blank when I have to talk to someone, but I actually felt like I could hold a conversation very easily. [As a side note: It's been very hard to see Poppy (my great grandfather) as he's in the process of passing. I sometimes feel like I should be more upset by it, but I feel this weird sense of calm and acceptance surround the entire ordeal. I don't know if this is the healthy response, but I hope he knows I love him in whatever way I know how, and I hope I can be a good son to my grandma once he passes. I know it's going to be extremely hard on her.]

Yesterday, (technically day two) I decided to skip my meds to see if this was just placebo because I'm trying a new medication. I was able to function perfectly fine still during the senior photoshoot I was doing with my friend and I got a lot done that day. That being said, today (Easter) I woke up around 9am and immediately took my Adderall + Vitamin D. When I tell you I was productive, I was productive at getting our house clean and ready for guests to come over. This wasn't the kind of "buzzy" focus you see with people who just take adderall for exams though, this felt calm, streamlined, and efficient. The only downside is that following this massive operation and subsequent Easter party (in which I was a little more awkward today, but I digress) I was absolutely exhausted. I don't think my body and brain are used to being able to just do the things I'm setting my mind to do. I kept wanting to take a nap for the rest of the day but was not able to fall asleep unfortunately.

Needless to say, my life is finally turning around for the better, and I finally feel like there's hope on the horizon. I finally have a little part time job at CVS, then in summer I'll be leaving for Yellowstone, and following that, I'll hopefully have saved enough money to buy my own car to start using for travel the U.S.

The future is finally looking bright for me, and I can't wait to write more updates!

Peace,

-Rhys