afgh

i dont know whats wrong with me,

i have a pretty cushy life and good friends, everythings okay.

but i still wanna cut myself. cant even come up with a good reason for it.

its like something has a hold on me, like.. itll never let go, its just gonna be there, always. no matter what i do, no matter how better i get no matter if i win the fucking lottery, its gonna be there and it has this tight fucking grip on me..

like, i just know even if i stop cutting and doing stupid shit to myself, ill eventually come back to it.

i do have less internal issues than i did in the past and thats some improvement i guess.. but im still itching for a razor blade. and its not cause of anything in particular. i just, do.

well, maybe i shouldnt look at it as this big bad boogeyman, its not like im offing myself, perhaps if i normalized it id eventually move on from it. there was once a time where i even looked at it as a good thing, as an escape. or coping mechanism, it made me feel okay and at peace. it doesnt do that for me anymore cause.. frankly i am okay, i dont think theres anything wrong with me. 

its just the habit of cutting has stayed with me.

thats all.