3/27/2024 (quinn is going to hell)

i always want to post blogs on here but i can't think of anything but recently i was thinking abt livejournal and # the old greats (cringe way to say something i mean genuinely i.e., pete wentz,  max bemis, etc.) and how they would just post whatever and i currently have nowhere else to vaguepost this. but if there's anywhere i can vaguepost and be cringe its a myspace copycat ... that said 

nobody warns you that cologne is intoxicating -- i almost said borderline there but it's way over the line by now -- and similarly enough indigo smells like shame and you can feel them both on your breath just by being nearby. i feel dizzy already but if you switched out oxygen for it i wouldn't know the difference till i dropped dead. i feel like who i could've been if things were different -- hyperaware of knees touching and all-too-willing to put on lipstick even if i feel like a clown. i start to see my dad when i look in the mirror. i'm seeing the downturned eyes, the luck that came too early, the realization that i don't remember how the love made me feel. melatonin dreams make my eyes swim with blue bottles of cologne in outlet malls and brown eyes like i'm seeing surgarplums on christmas eve. i feel like eve. i feel like original sin. i feel like the necklace from my real life burns my throat when i remember the fake one. it's not poetry but it's not lying; it's not fetish but it might send me to hell anyway. i want to leave everything, run off to chicago or further and fix myself from the outside in. i want to break my own heart some days. i never want anyone to touch me again but i want someone else to twist the knife i've already got in my heart. i stand too close in pictures and my gaze lingers too long and so do my thoughts -- i'm afraid it's too late for me and i'm afraid i'm so selfish i'll take things that aren't mine and drag everyone else down with me. i want my life to change. i wish it never had. i know what's right; i know i got lucky; i think it happened before i was ready. i think it happened before it could make me happy enough to survive off it.

tldr the Horrors


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