Changes in my life - let's catch up.

...well, it's been three months.

In the course of three months, priorities have constantly shifted.

I lost a best friend that I've made in the course of the 2023 year. We met in a Minecraft event through a mutual friend in December 2022, but we grew close within the next month. She was like a younger sister to me, but there was a gradual shift of dynamics to the point of current confusion.

As in - I still have trouble figuring out how the fallout happened.

Perhaps it was the "NYE blowup of 2023". (It was dubbed that due to certain circumstances that I will not disclose, as most of that are things pertaining to other people involved, and I will not air out other people's dirty laundry.) Perhaps it was a clash of different perspectives after an apology. Perhaps it was having to hear things that have been said and done without my knowledge, and it took a bunch of people to alert me; I would have been left in the dark, otherwise, ignorant to the problems evolving around me.

Either way, when I realized (or found out) a friendship was officially over, my depression disorder took over despite my active leadership skills making sure everyone was okay, attempting to be as unbiased as possible to a gaming crew that I cherished the most over the course of near 2 years.

The Sunflower Crew was founded in the summer of 2022 and will continue to thrive under my direction, making it as drama-free as possible.

As much as I continue to try and move on, the day that I last heard from my former friend was from a message that I never responded to, as it reverted me back into this shy, quiet being that I was in my childhood years, awkwardly fumbling through a public instance on VRChat filled with adults my age or older who wanted to explore the Backrooms.

...it didn't help that I already went through these maps before with said former friend, bringing back all those memories that I missed dearly. My depression lurked closer like one of the entities in the Backrooms, creeping in on my mind as it pushed negative thoughts of never being good enough to be anyone's best friend, as well as other thoughts that I won't get into at this time. Maybe not ever, if I can help it.

After the dissatisfaction I felt from gaming, I was about to quit VRChat overall until I noticed there were more people hanging out within the sub-group instances. I decided to check it out, and haven't regretted it since.

At the first visit of an instance, I made immediate friends with three people: 2 of which were female and 1 was male. We all instantly chatted before I realized I forgot to introduce myself again and did so, to which the only guy in the world (who was closer to my age than the women) proceeded to mention that one of his sisters has a similar nickname to mine and that he was part Filipino.

For some reason, there was a connection of friendship between us, and I hesitantly latched onto his hand as he reached out to mine, grabbing it like a lifeline as he led me to places I had never been before, showing me his groups of friends who I've also connected with; I found that people around my age genuinely liked me for me and have told me to never change. Together, they all pulled me out from the murky waters of depression and worked on keeping me warm and sane on the boat as they called for help. They even mingled happily with my friends and found a way to peacefully exist together in a world with me in it.

These past three months, I've managed to spend a few hours nearly every day on VRChat, hanging out with people who I like and vice versa, keeping up with the Sunflower Crew, helping my family, paying the bills, and going back to officially finding a relationship. There were people breaking up, people making up, and I even had the pleasure of witnessing a blossoming romance between two close friends. Hell, I find myself successfully flirting with eligible bachelors and possibly crushing on one in particular (but I won't get into that because he might read this someday).

What I find myself shocked, however, are people slowly returning back to the Sunflower Crew. Some have returned and ready to game or chat, while one person in particular needed time to join the whole Discord community but is willing to be around again in the SMP, as he missed us dearly. We have a few new members as well joining the ranks.

I've tried out new things in life and find myself thriving in an environment where I feel sane and welcomed into a community of gamers.

(It was to the point where I even bought the Meta Quest 3!)

I am thankful for Eno, Alarte, Ken, Yggdrasil, YuLong, and Angel - they've been keeping me afloat when I was drowning.

As spring rolls around during the winter breeze, I find myself somewhat hopeful for the future.