aphantasia art rant (1)

so, i have aphantasia. if you don't know what that means, it means i can't see images in my head when i try to imagine them. if you're confused about what i mean when i say "images in [your] head", i may have some news for you too. google is your friend, im not here to teach about this condition.

the thing is, i don't have a textbook case of aphantasia. nor do i have a typical case. if i try really, really hard i can sorta-kinda conjure up something but its more like a watercolour painting dropped into a swimming pool. and i also can't exactly control every aspect of the image. sometimes, on good days, i can hone in on a specific detail of an image and see that a bit clearer than the rest but that's only helpful in limited situations.

this really sucks because i am a visual artist, i draw things. mainly characters and fanart. and it's very difficult for me to draw a lot because i can't imagine what i'm going to draw. some might say that drawing at all is impossible without that ability to imagine, but i definitely still do. i mainly just rely on my learned knowledge about what i am drawing, and references.

btw, if you say "well just use image generation software to come up with ideas for you! that way you don't need to bother to come up with layouts yourself!" kindly locate your nearest cliff, sit at the top of it, look out at the view in front of you and think about how amazing and wonderful and large the world is. 

i'll try my best to explain how i come up with ideas sans (without) references here, if anyone is curious. if you're not you can skip this paragraph and get on to the other things i have to say. i'll use a cat as an example because its both the easiest thing for me to draw and the best thing to think about. so i want to draw a cat! that's great, i always do. most people would just imagine an image of a cat and start drawing. but i can't do that. i need to build the image with everything but a visual imagination. think of it like baking with a recipe already vs just winging it. so, cats. first, i need to figure out what pose i want the cat to be in. these wonderful creatures do so much but i can only portray them doing one thing at a time. how is this cat feeling, i ask. i guess i'm thinking of a tired, lazy cat because i'm tired myself. cats like to lounge when they're tired (and all the time) but what position should i have them lounge in? on their stomach? on their side? on their back? im really liking the idea of a cat laying on their back, but i have to be certain about what i draw because i can't just easily change the recipe later without discarding everything i had already done. also in this, i want to draw a longhair cat because they're pretty and soft. now that i know what i'm going to try to draw, i begin the "foux visualization" stage. thankfully i've looked at cats my whole life so it's just innate knowledge at this point what shapes they're made up of. i would block those out on paper (sleeping cats are built like pears or snowmen, three incremental circles on top of one another.) along with other major elements like the arms, legs and paws. i can't just do stick-figure type structure lines though, i need to block out the whole shape else i won't know if it looks right. this is usually the most tiring part and where a lot of my drawings end because i need to draw, erase, draw, erase to fix proportion and perspective mistakes since when i draw it is the first time i ever see it! this is also why i like rough-sketching traditionally a lot more because i can still sorta see the last drawings i did so i know what NOT to do. now, if its a day i can actually maybe sorta see isolated details in my head i might start detailing the first shape i block out before finishing the basics because i need to hold onto that vague image i have with a VICE GRIP before it slips away. this is frustrating and honestly sets me back a lot, but its what i gotta do to survive. detailing is very hard and i mostly have to go by how something feels to figure out the details. texturally. the more familiar i am with a thing's texture and form the easier it is to draw for me (see: cats) i can imagine how things feel, thank god, so i try to imagine how it would feel to touch the thing i'm drawing (minus pain when applicable), how the cats muzzle protrudes from it's face, how the ear fur is angled and how dense it is compared to the fur on the back of the ears. how the nose would be shaped, how soft the fur would be, how long the cheek fluff would be, how the paws would be angled etc etc you get the idea. i think this portrays how hard it is for me to draw a simple doodle.

anyway, art is hard but i've done it LITERALLY all my life. but i don't think a lot of people with aphantasia can relate to my exact circumstance? because i haven't had aphantasia my whole life. actually, when i was in elementary school i was quite the active daydreamer! i would imagine fanfic in my head, get so immersed i would accidentally block out the whole world. i would imagine the little ninja running by the car, doing parkour on the various obstacles that would pass by. i even had a world i had an ongoing story in for who knows how long, i think 2 years? it was probably less. i had quite the visual imagination, and that's what made me so into drawing in the first place. i wanted to show everyone what was going on in my head. but i forgot all that in middle school, when i also lost my visual imagination. i don't know exactly when it happened or even why. honestly, i didn't even notice since i couldn't exactly tell anything was different. it was probably a slow process if i had to guess. it probably had something to do with trauma, middle school wasn't that great of a time.

but now that i do remember, the longing i feel to have that ability back is soul-crushing. could you imagine losing an ability you used so much, that aided in one of your top hobbies so significantly that it was 50% of what got you hooked, and suddenly it was gone? now im definitely not saying its as serious as losing an arm or your legs, or even your sight or hearing, but i think there's an analogue there.

and i am absolutely not saying people with aphansasia cannot draw. there are many examples on why that is wrong. but man, do i miss getting caught in immersive daydreams. the ones i have now are so vague and mostly just knowledge on how the characters would interact and react, kind of like reading/writing a book. it just freaking suck, man. i CANNOT rotate a cow in my brain.

anyway thanks for reading, if anyone does. if you can relate to any of this or just want to talk to me feel free to comment or dm or anything. might take me a hot minute to reply but i appreciate anything! i love you all.