Pros and cons of gaining 30 lbs and then losing 45 lbs

Pros:

lost 45 pounds.

Cons:

Body dysmorphia, Facial dysmorphia 

Hair brittleness (this one kinda on me though I wasn't exactly losing weight in the right way, and also was nutrient deficient to start with, so you can imagine how that went....) 

Food guilt and fear 

Swear when I bloat it's so much more noticeable now(???)

None of my old clothes fit and I HATE clothes shopping it makes the dysmorphia so bad. So tbh I always just wear my old baggy clothes.

I really saw how people treated me before weight gain, then during, and then after losing weight again. 

I wish people talked about this sort of thing, sure I didn't really enjoy being chubby and I wouldn't ever do that again willingly (weight gain was from antipsychotic and binging)  BUT i seriously feel like my perception of myself and others is so god damn warped now, like I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin I'd say than even before I lost the weight, and certainly before I had gained it in the first place ;; 

This was kinda just a vent but all I ever see is people being ~~so happy~~ and feeling ~~so great~~ after losing the weight and I'm like BITCH WHERE.... WHEREEE