aaa

i think the reason im sad most of the time is cause my mood usually goes to default mode and i just feel nothing at all. 

and the easiest emotion to feel is in fact sadness. at least in my opinion, so in boredom of not feeling anything at all i opt out to feeling sad. cause even that is better than to just sit there not knowing what to do or feel. cause id rather be sad than zone out for an hour, cause at least then id have an excuse for not doing all the things im avoiding. 

"just get up and start doing, youll feel proud of yourself once you take that first step" a part of me says, 

and sure i might feel proud, ill probably feel better even.. but you know whats easier than all that? sitting down in front of my monitor while playing all the sad songs i know, until even the happy songs put me in tears cause i cant relate.

i do feel stupid yes, but i dont think i have much of a purpose on this earth anyway, thats something that used to really get me down on myself but now i look at it as a positive. 

if i dont have a purpose i can do whatever i want and it cant affect a single thing.. 

it makes you think the sky;s the limit til u find urself laying down and staring at your bedroom floor at night, just zoning out. 

maybe im the problem, im just simply that weak, i cant find the strength to just DO.

im not depressed or have any mental issues, i have friends i talk to daily, i know quite a few people at my school and i do get around okay, i have hobbies and a career i wanna pursue. i work out everyday and am planning to start going to the gym in about a month, 

but, when it all comes down to it, im still sitting in front of my monitor, feeling sad as to not be this emotionless lump of nothing. 

maybe im just overpriviliged and i need to start being aware of how much better my situation is than most people, and maybe i need to start taking advantage of all the opportunities around me, of course i understand where this is coming from but,

having no purpose on this earth de-shackles me from all the burdens of "oh no im complaining while kids are dying out there" cause what can i do, truly. 

you might think im too "desentisized" and heck maybe i am? i wouldnt cry much if my parents died tomorrow, just a little frustrated at what'll come next with that.. how id live and my expenses. and speaking of desentisization. ive been noticing how irritated i get whenever my mom cries, i thought this was kinda normal until i saw how much my friends and people ive seen online care about their mothers when theyre in pain, how its a "dagger in their heart" when all im feeling is annoyance at how stupid she sounds when she cries and whales, ive even laughed sometimes as she'd sob her eyes out because i thought the stuff she was crying about was funny. now i dont know how abnormal this is? i love my mom dont get me wrong, its just certain things irritate me and i cant help it.

dont even know what this rant was about, i guess im just tired and feeling like writing my thoughts down, not that i think anyone will read this which is why im treating it like an online diary,.. either doing shitposts or other stupid rants. this is the first blog that ive been serious in. 

well, goodbye for now.