To be an Athlete Student or Student Athlete

I don't think I've ever been more glad that it's almost summer vacation. For as long as I can remember, which isn't very long, I've hated summer vacation; I thought it was boring and I couldn't wait to go back to school. then i started high school. It started when I began volleyball, I started feeling demotivated to do anything besides wake up, go to school, play volleyball, sleep. I was sick of the work, I was sick of the homework, I was sick of the studying, I was sick of it. Then, when softball rolled around, I didn't tryout; maybe it was for the best I didn't. This year though, it felt different. I've always been an honors student, the year before I was in good classes with all A's. Suddenly, I was struggling. I wasn't getting A's, I was failing tests, and I wasn't able to participate much in class. "I can't do this to myself," I thought, "I need to balance sports and school", I remarked. . . but that wasn't it either. No matter how hard I tried, even in the off-season, I wasn't good enough. Then, softball tryouts rolled around again. I actually tried out this time and now I'm on JV. But I'm at a loss. I'm trying my best, both in school and sports. I can feel my heart hurt, my lungs contract, my head throb, my eyes fighting to stay awake, but nothing I do seems to make a difference. I could chalk it up to the pressure from my expectations, but that's not it. To be and Athlete Student or Student Athlete is to fight two sides of yourself: one trying to keep you alive, and the other trying to preserve a dead version of you.