first blog post !! into the pitfall of kpop

Have you ever experienced what it is like to have no friends at school at all?

Well, this is definitely me back in the first few months when I was in grade seven. It was ridiculous for me because I was always surrounded by people in my elementary years yet as soon as I stepped into the jungle of high school, it was different. It was a foreign feeling, like you're lost but strangers are around you. As months passed by, I slowly gained few people to talk to but there were still those 'big' groups of people in my class that I wanted to talk to. I always overhear them talking happily about exo.. and I had no idea what they were talking about until one of them pulled their ID and showed who her bias was. 

Since one of them was my seatmate, she probably noticed me always eavesdropping on their conversation. I mean, I tried to be subtle but I always catch myself turning my head towards their small talks. She suddenly asked me. "Do you know EXO?" and the 12-year-old me automatically answered "yes" but I left the "I know them because I like listening to you guys talking" part in my head.

I thought she would stop there but then she decided to have a follow-up question: "Who is your bias?" I had no idea back then what bias meant in kpop T.T This is basically my reaction back then. "ummmmmm....(head empty, no thoughts)"

I paused, clearly trying to guess what she meant and one of her friends added "If you bias D.O. then you two are gonna fight over him". 

So.. I just need to mention one member who isn't D.O.. but I don't know any members at all.

And I think it's too late to say "I don't know them actually!".

I know I should have said I don't have any bias and that I liked them all.. but my mouth just answered on its own. "Chan..yol?" and I was nervous since I just made that name up... I'm serious, I don't know if a member with that name exists but it's like my brain was trying its 1000% capability because I was expecting confused faces yet I was met with excited ones.

They were happy that I was really a fan. 

For me, it was an extreme shock that a member with that name existed. I thought they were joking until I went home and searched on my computer "exo chanyol" and the search bar corrected it "EXO Chanyeol". I was so amazed at myself that I kept laughing and sharing this story with my siblings, who were also not K-pop fans back then. 

Then I realized there are 12 members in exo and I don't know how to differentiate their faces at all. To keep up with my K-pop facade, I watched all their music videos with their names labeled (yes a video like this did exist). While watching them, I began to understand why my classmates liked them so much. Pretty faces, nice proportions, good voices albeit I don't understand most of their songs, funny...And before I knew it, I really became their fan.

Then once I opened that door, there was really no turning back. It's like walking into an unknown park and everything looks so beautiful and you feel happy that you forgot where the exit is so you decided to stay there for a while.. and then it became months.. and years.. and now they are debuting idols much much younger than you and you began to wonder what am I doing in my life? but let's not get into that side of the story.

Being a K-pop fan now is pretty much normalized. Heck, it would be stranger in our city if you haven't heard of Blackpink or bts, or yeah you get it. But it wasn't like that when I became an exo-l (Exo's fandom name). We were always made fun of, especially by guys in our class whenever they heard us talking. It's never cool to make fun of other people's 'happiness' when it's not hurting anybody. Like, why do you care that we like commenting about how great their styling was in that music video omg T.T And what's worse, they keep insisting that they're much more handsome than any members of exo. I'm just glad that my classmates don't tolerate their teasing at all. 

Me? I'm just shocked by their confidence like have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror bruh so I just: 

Anyway, I was just part of the crowd the other day but now I have these new friends from that popular friend group in our class. Besides, I think that they were doing that because they like getting my friends' attention cause they like them or something.. you know.. high school...

And! Now everyone who basically made fun of me and my friends on liking kpop is part of this fandom now so either maturity really grows with age or they really had just been missing out. Life is really funny you know.

I mean what could they have felt if they were being shamed for what they liked back then? And here they are, sharing posts of their faves and begging to be part of their concerts and stuff. I hope they realize that what they did was wrong, even though they didn't really apologize. Because the emotions that I had back then were real and they did make me feel bad for liking kpop T.T

That was years ago and some of my friends who were fans had already moved past the 'K-pop phase' but here I am, still streaming txt's albums and being in a parasocial relationship with choi soobin. It's not just listening to music anymore nor watching their content. I had been here for so long that it became part of my lifestyle, in a healthy amount I hope.

I guess time will tell when will I finally escape from this pitfall.