If it’s such a beautiful thing then why the f*ck don’t I feel it???

Today C spent time talking about the miracle of life and bringing a child into this world. How magical and beautiful it is. This was not my experience at all and hearing this so often kills me. 

K had her baby. Her first one (and she’s so perfect). She talked about how beautiful her birthing experience was and how she was meant for this (being a mom). The envy is glaring.  

I just feel so robbed. I feel so empty. So devoid of even a semblance of happiness. It still hurts. I’m still forcing myself to be numb in order to avoid the pain of it all. I’m so happy for them. I really am. Nobody deserves what I went through. At the same time I am filled with this raw jealousy and utter distain for hearing about it. I’m not usually this type of person so this situation is just off putting and odd. It’s hard for me. I don’t like the negative emotions directed at what others are saying to me. I loathe the inclination to just shut down, change the topic, not hear it. Their stories matter. They deserve to be expressed and heard just as much as mine. 

This is just one of those situations that is so taxing on me as a friend. I will take it in stride I suppose. It’s just a fact of life that experiences differ. When you love someone you should be there anyways. I usually am, and I will be. Even if it’s grueling. 

Ok. 4:30am rant completed. 

Goodnight!