#1: NYE in the 90210 + Covid + Family Drama + Nobu Date + More

(this post was initially published on my blogspot on January 27th)

aloistylerrollinsiv.blogspot.com  (click link to see post with photos, videos, and audio files)

AUDIO VERSION: https://on.soundcloud.com/ETRFd

    Look I know what you’re thinking, bitch who even reads blogs anymore and you know what fair. I’m not gonna lie. My childhood obsessions with Sex & the City, Gossip Girl, Dog with a Blog, and e-writing in general definitely spurred me in the direction of creating my own blog and whether or not anyone reads it is really none of my business. It’s just like when I started making music, no one was begging for a single from me but it was a childhood dream I wanted to fulfill, and blogging or more simply writing in general is one of the things I dreamed of alongside fashion design, acting, walking runways, & of course music. So as 2024 loomed closer I decided I can either go for it or let it collect dust in my subconscious and with the revival of the girl blogger, now is the perfect time to launch the voyage. But my lesson to any young creatives is never start a venture expecting to reach an audience or you will be disappointed. When Caviar Noir the band I'm in came out I truly didn’t expect anything big, maybe a song with 10k streams but I’m glad I came at it with that perspective because I was unapologetically raw and vulnerable in a way which I wouldn’t have been if I had the pre-conceived notion of hundreds of thousands listening to my words. So I learned to approach every aspect in my life in that manner, and it’s done me wonders creatively speaking. I intend on posting on this blog bi-weekly as a sort of pseudo self magazine and while it will mostly cover my life and what I’ve been going through during the time of writing each post. It’ll also I’m sure delve into topics on fashion, literature, & many a tangent just like my conversations in real life go. I’m a creature of constant reference and analogy and will try to explain in cited sources or in parenthesis.

    Now to get into the true meat and potatoes of this post, my New Years experience and what came before and after it and be prepared. It seems as though nothing in my life can ever truly be simple no matter how much I expect it to be… In late November I reconnected with Lamb, my decade long best friend and co-founder of the band Caviar Noir with whom I had fallen out with prior to my first move to Beverly Hills in July of 2022. He reached out after the passing of my grandmother, almost knowing I needed his presence in my life again during such trying times when I was definitely spiraling. We had been talking regularly for a few weeks and New Year's Eve naturally came up as it loomed closer and we both didn’t exactly know what we had planned and decided to meet up in Beverly Hills and have a fabulous start to 2024 but then we had to work out the logistics. I moved back to Phoenix for the holidays after a month and a half in NYC for fashion week post leaving LA to be close by family especially as my grandparents grew older, so first things first I had to get my flight together and although the holidays are the absolute worst time to fly I didn’t really have much other choice as a diva that doesn’t drive. (I took drivers ed twice, failed my drivers test, and went through 3 cars before finally giving up on the whole driving thing) So I found a cute United first class flight to LAX and although it’s not my airline or airport of preference it could have definitely been worse. Then almost as if it was divine intervention my great aunt Lisa from L.A. called me and wished me condolences for my grandmother who passed right before thanksgiving and asked about my holiday plans and offered me a place to stay in her LA home and I of course jumped on the opportunity because not only do I adore her and my great uncle but I wouldn’t have to unnecessarily spend on a hotel with ridiculous NYE rates. Afterwards I looked online for NYE events that fit me and Lamb’s vibe and of course the Beverly Hills Hotel is always a must but the Polo Lounge was way too formal sit down boring vibe so Bar Nineteen-12 was the obvious choice. However, that'd only be half the night and after midnight we had no other plans so I kept looking and found Paris Tokyo, a small Japanese/French fusion nightclub with an open bar ticket and just find a late after party from someone partying there. I presented the concept to Lamb, he was all for it and found a friend who was down to take pictures and had a place super nearby in Hollywood for us to stay the night post party.

    So the plans were settled but now onto the truly important part, the look. I wore a Bob Mackie mini dress in emerald green for New Years last year and I kinda wanted to continue the Mackie storyline for this NYE. So after looking on just about every vintage fashion selling site I scouted the perfect dress. An 80s black velvet & gold Bob Mackie Boutique beaded drop waist boned corset mini dress and for a price no one could pass up. I hadn’t told my grandpa on my dad's side that I'm super close to anything I had wanted for Christmas yet so I thought why not ask for the dress and thankfully he obliged and now the dress is more than just an NYE dress but also a true memory given to me by my grandfather that I’ll treasure forever. Looking at the image of the dress itself posted online, it looked rough but I knew when properly steamed and pinned it could be a true moment. So the first thing I did once the dress came into my possession was steam and pin the front to give a high low pannier westwood-esque vibe to the lower portion. To be honest the dress was definitely a little too big for me as was my last New Years Mackie dress but you just gotta make it work and not raise your arms too high. While the dress itself is such an important part of the look it’s the accessories that really can put it over the top, so I decided with such a heavily beaded bodice the jewelry should be minimal so I instead went with a black velvet opera glove to match with the black velvet bustier and gold hoops to tie into the beading and skirt. The shoe choice was a doozy because I don’t own that many gold shoes so I had to find the perfect new pair and after looking through every brand I already owned and knew I liked and hating absolutely everything they had in gold I decided to give Charlotte Olympia a chance and was shocked at how much I enjoyed her work. I was really torn between the open toe mules or the classic round toe platforms that are a Charlotte Olympia signature. I ended up going with the black velvet/gold open toe mules because they’re indicative of the silhouettes of shoes I wear regularly unlike the closed round toe platform but I do really enjoy that shoe and could totally see myself adding it to the collection.

     On the 27th of December I got my roots bleached in preparation for NYE at Sassoon in Scottsdale and caught up my long time hairstylist on the drama in my life and afterwards walked to Neiman’s and got a Jo Malone candle for a thank you gift to my great aunt for opening up her home to me. When I was just about to checkout my longtime favorite Chanel beauty sales associate who has known me since I was 15 saw me and said “girl I got something for you!” And while she checked me out for the candle she opened a drawer and on top of the regular samples for which I love she also gave me a cute little interlocking cc costume jewelry clip on charm that I’m guessing was part of their holiday gift with purchase. I haven’t found anywhere perfect to put it yet but I’m sure I’ll find somewhere for her to live outside of my jewelry box. As I find myself in Phoenix less and less as I get older I like getting little mementos that remind me of my roots. I know when I’m in my later life I’ll see that little charm and remember how I frequented that Chanel counter in Scottsdale so often in my teens and truly cherish it. After getting the candle gift wrapped I walked to Nobu and sat at the bar and got a glass of Prosecco, took a few photos in their good bathroom lighting and called an Uber home after realizing all the men in that Nobu were either ugly or taken or both.

    Fast forward to the 30th my flight is the next day very early in the morning so I walked over to the nearby sushi restaurant and met up with my mom for the last time in 2023. Afterwards we saw Wonka and honestly I wasn’t a fan, as much as I love salivating over Timothee Chalamet’s French self I just couldn’t get into him singing or really just the singing in general from all the cast. I’m so hot and cold with musicals, some I absolutely adore and watch the films over and over again, some I’ll walk out of the theatre if they get too annoying. No shade but Into the Woods was just too corny for me and Wonka almost got to that level but not enough for me to get up and leave. After picking up some Chanel L'Huile cleansing oil (my fav cleanser for my dry ass skin) and getting dropped off at home my mom and I said our goodbyes and I started packing with no plans on sleeping. I never sleep before an early flight because I don’t trust myself to not oversleep. So when the clock struck 3am and I was done packing the Vuitton I changed into my go to travel leggings a gorgeous Angora cashmere pair from the Chanel 2014 grocery store collection as well as my oversized Arizona sweatshirt, and I got my Uber to the airport. I arrived at my terminal sleep deprived and annoyed but checked my Satellite 70 and got myself through security, found my gate and grabbed a diet coke and turkey wrap from the airport market. I watched some old episodes of Willam’s Beatdown while charging my devices and waiting for boarding group 1 to get called. Once it did I made my way to 3E and sat down, opened my podcast app and downloaded a few as I always do right before takeoff. I saw one of my favorite fashion podcasts “Every Outfit” did a Clueless retrospective so I turned on the podcast in my headphones and put Clueless on the seat back screen on mute and it was the audio visual fantasy of life and with Prosecco on top of it made it the perfect NYE voyage to LAX.

HOT BITCH AIRPORT CHECK LIST

1. Louis Vuitton Luggage Set
2. Wired Apple Headphones
3. Diet Coke + Sparkling Wine
4. Duty Free Cosmetic Shopping
5. Vintage Fur Coat (use as blanket on plane & no wasted luggage space)
6. Fashion + Gossip Magazine
7. Chanel Lip Balm (why do airports dry out your lips?)
8. Cunt Podcasts Downloaded (race chaser, every outfit, cant not, no gorge, etc.)
9. Hating on People with Small Children
10. TSA Pre-Check

    After Clueless I arrived at LAX and while it’s not my favorite airport in LA it was the closest to my great aunt’s place. I went to baggage claim immediately, because when you travel with checked monogram Vuitton you can’t just be sitting around while someone could be snatching your bag at the carousel. After booking it to the carousel and waiting way too long, I got my bag and walked to the Uber pickup area. Tell me why it was at least a two mile walk through multiple intersections?! My arms literally started cramping halfway through and I had to take breaks, it was ridiculous. Whatever happened to the glamour of travel? No wonder you got celebrities killing the environment because when I had my private flight to Aspen I realized how easy it could be but these major airlines/airports make it so difficult and I understand security but why is the Uber pickup a marathon away? Like I may have to walk a bit for Uber pickup at Laguardia or JFK but it is nowhere near as long as the treck I made at LAX. After finally getting into my Uber I arrived to beautiful overcast weather and pulled up to my great aunt and uncle’s house that I spent nearly every summer visiting as a kid. I made plans to meet up with my graphic designer friend Qi-Qi and go to the mall during the afternoon of the 31st so after saying my hello’s, changing my outfit to my first ever black Chanel mini skirt paired with my gypsy sport long sleeve, and unpacking the Louis I took off to Cerritos Center.

    I honestly had never been to Los Cerritos Center and expected much more… While there is a Nordstrom it didn’t exactly carry what I usually look at in a Nordstrom but they did have a La Mer counter so I picked up a few sheet masks. Afterwards we walked to the M.A.C pro store and I loaded up, 2024 is the revival of the M.A.C girl. Something about M.A.C makeup is resonating with my soul at the moment and I think it’s me feeling the early 2010’s revival in the wind. I ended up picking up the Like Squirt Plumping Stick (after seeing way too many viral videos of it), Dervish Lip Liner, Oyster Girl LipGlass (I made a pop demo inspired by this iconic gloss), Ingenue Eyelashes, Duo Lash Glue, & the light sculpt and shape contour palette. Besides the M.A.C and Nordstrom, Cerritos mall was pretty boring so after taking a few photos and getting a caesar salad and glass of prosecco at the Nordstrom Cafe we said our goodbyes. Once again I had to walk a half mile to the Uber pickup area at Cerritos Mall, I guess my new pet peeve of 2024 is long walks to Uber pickups.

    I got back to my great aunt’s place and saw a few of my cousins said hi, caught up, and then started getting ready to go out and bring in the new year. I used to pack a whole huge plug in ring light but now thankfully due to the zoom panic of 2020 there are usb ring lights and they are a game changer. I just put my laptop and my ring light in front of my makeup mirror and I have the perfect light to get ready no matter where I go and it all packs down so small. I had to actually do my makeup twice because on the first application my foundation started piling and I freaked out and started over from 0. Which is why I ended up not doing an updo with my hair as I was simply just running out of time. After slapping enough paint on my face and running a straightener through my hair I zipped up my Mackie, put on my gloves and shoes and grabbed my Dior purse and headed out the door. I chose to use a medium black patent Lady Dior because I needed a bag big enough to hold my Nikon vintage digital camera as well as Lamb’s Minolta film camera. At 7:45 lamb pulled up to my great aunt’s driveway and after saying my goodbyes and taking photos for my great aunt to show the family I hopped in his car. We met up pretty early assuming there would be traffic like always in LA but I guess because of everyone’s fear of drunk NYE drivers the freeway was a ghost town all the way up to Hollywood. We pulled up to the parking structure of Lamb’s friend’s building and we got out and I immediately realised when rushing out the door I had left my black vintage Saks rabbit fur coat. So shivering from the cold we waited to meet up with Lamb’s friend Ryan.

After a few minutes he comes down and we say our hellos and head to CVS for a little bit of pregame selection. Ryan ends up picking up a bottle of Tito’s (a Tinsley Mortimer favorite). We head up to his small but stylish apartment that overlooks the Scientology celebrity center and open up the bottles while playing some music. We picked each other's brains and talked for hours and had so much fun just talking and sipping that we hardly made it out the door to the Beverly Hills Hotel by 10.

    Lamb called an Uber we all piled in and played Trivia on the seat back tablet while flying down Sunset passing what was once my backyard I walked countless times and couldn't help but reminisce (but still won trivia). We stepped out of the car and were greeted by that iconic Beverly Hills Hotel entrance with the vertical stripe clad ceiling and red carpeted floor that I had become all too familiar with last year when living on Sunset & Doheny. After stepping inside I went immediately to the bathroom not because I actually had to go but the Beverly Hills Hotel bathrooms are the prettiest bathroom on the west coast so a photo in the mirror is obligatory. After I was done taking videos in the gilt mirrors we walked to Bar Nineteen12 right off the side of the lobby. The music was cute top 40 vibe and balloons galore decor, we ordered a bottle of champagne and sat down at a booth and enjoyed the ambience with the view of Beverly Hills mansions lit up with parties at every third house, we also talked goals for the new year, & ofc sipped on sparkling. I was hitting my weed pen when Lamb’s friend asked if he could have a hit. I'm not stingy and of course let him hit it and didn’t really think twice about getting it back but little did I know it’d be the last time I’d ever see it. There were plenty of bleach blondes at the Beverly Hills Hotel but in specific I kept seeing one in a silver two piece dragging around some uncle fester looking ancient man (I like older men but this guy was NEAR DEATH). It was almost as if she was showing him off but it’s like girl… No one is checking for your man except the girlies at the retirement home.

     Once it hit 11:45 and after many photos were taken, we decided to head to Paris Tokyo so we could get there for the midnight countdown. While the Uber was on the way I looked in my purse to hit my weed pen while out by valet and… it’s gone. I ask Lamb’s friend and he says he doesn’t have it so I ask if he can look at our booth in Bar Nineteen12 since me and Lamb had heels on and couldn’t run there. He came back after a few minutes and said he had no luck in finding it. I of course wasn’t pleased by this info but it’s not the kind of thing I let ruin my night like some other people. After a quick Uber ride down to the golden triangle we step out on Canon Dr. in front of Wally’s. We couldn’t find Paris Tokyo at first so we asked a few old italian guys smoking on the block who were no help at all and just wanted to flirt but we eventually found it and made our way in right before the countdown. Before I could even take a sip of my drink it was “3, 2, 1, HAPPY NEW YEAR” and confetti from every angle. Unfortunately plenty of it ended up in my drink so I got another and tried to get into the vibe. My problem with West Coast clubs is that no one really dances. Occasional twerking maybe but not really my kind of vibe. The decor was beautiful though with its cherry blossom vaporwave explosion of an aesthetic and after getting bored downing drink after drink and dancing we found a secret room on the way to the bathroom and ended up taking up one of the tables in there and talking. After the drinks kicked in we definitely were acting the entire fool, until Lamb’s friend Ryan made some shady drunk comment about Lamb’s weight and things went left. We all three ended up in the handicap stall in the men’s bathroom having an argument and all I can recall is saying “Ryan I don't know why you’re calling Lamb big when YOU have the bigger thighs… but at the end of the day I have the smallest thighs out of everyone in this stall sooooo I win.” and we all laughed and just got over it.

Ryan went off to get Lamb apology drinks and we ran into a gay man and his fabulous older red haired lady friend. They invited us to an after party at The Abbey and they told us to catch them on the way out so me and Lamb made our way towards the front of the club sat down and enjoyed our drinks until the end of the party. While we were sippin and sittin a girl and her boyfriend came up to us and complimented our looks and started talking to Lamb. I was in my own world taking pictures of myself so I wasn’t listening but Lamb told me in the Uber afterwards she literally asked him. “Can we still be friends if I’m from Compton?” which is the unintentionally funniest thing I’ve heard in awhileee. When the club started closing we honestly forgot about the fabulous old ginger lady and her gay friend so we ended up just heading to Ryan’s place for an afterparty kickback. Which was probably for the best considering The Abbey is synonymous in Weho with drugging and theft. We ordered a pizza and I don’t even remember when or where I fell asleep.

    I woke up the next morning on the floor by the foot of Ryan’s bed dehydrated and hung over beyond what I’ve ever been before. I honestly have never been much of a drinker, I was a stoner kick back type in high school not a party girl so alcohol always hits me hard. We ended up deciding to get In N Out as our New Year's first day feast. Unfortunately the In N Out on Hollywood blvd is never chill and especially on New Years so after waiting an hour we got our sub-par americana food and after taking a few bites I could tell something was wrong with the back of my throat but I brushed it off as being severely hungover. I only took a few bites and sips before throwing my whole meal away as it literally pained my throat to swallow. Me and Lamb thanked Ryan and said our goodbyes and headed back south, Lamb dropped me off at my great aunts and he headed to work. As soon as I got back to my great Aunts I flopped on the bed and vegetated for the rest of my time there. I ended up postmating some Dino’s pastrami and couldn’t even finish half of it due to my throat soreness. If you’ve never had a Dinos pastrami sandwich you haven’t lived darling, it’s an L.A. classic in my book. I started packing and it was definitely melancholy but I knew I had responsibilities to get back to at my Jewelry job, until I checked the schedule app on my phone and all my hours were gone and completely unscheduled until the next week…

    I was so annoyed, I could have stayed longer and I planned this trip around work only for them to wipe my schedule and not even notify me. I called my mom emotional about getting unscheduled, leaving L.A., & coming home to nothing to do. Working at that jewelry store really helped keep my mind off of my grandma’s passing and I don’t think I realized the finality of it until recently. My mom wasn’t exactly comforting on the phone and told me to not overstay my welcome with my great aunt who would be annoyed with me staying longer which definitely didn’t help lift my spirits but I believed what she said and finished packing after she told me she’d pick me up from the airport. As I was about to say my goodbye to my great aunt and head out the door she said “you’re leaving already?! you have to come back soon!!” and many things along those lines and it made me put what my mom said into perspective. I don’t know if my mom just thinks of me as unlikeable or a burden but it’s sometimes what it seems like by what she said. I got in my Uber back to LAX and shopped around in Duty Free until my flight arrived, before I knew it I was back in the unforgiving desert from which I arose.

    My mom picked me up wearing the Fendi Spy I had gotten her for Christmas and the conversation started nicely. We hugged talked and caught up until we were halfway back to my grandparents house when I couldn’t help but let a few tears flow while we were on the freeway. I tried to hold it in because as a kid I learned quickly that my mom is easily angered when in a car (I don’t know why she just like goes anger mode in the car for some reason) but unfortunately things in my mind just kept going so dark thinking about going home to that dark empty house I couldn’t help but get emotional. She immediately got angry and flew into blind rage and I was already in such a bad mood that although I’m not a big yelling type person I couldn’t help but match her energy. We threw insults back and forth until she stopped the car on the side of the 101 freeway and told me to just get out and walk. I honestly thought about doing it but remembering how heavy my bags were just trying to get to the Uber pickup and the fact I was on a LITERAL freeway with cars racing by at 85mph (AZ people love to speed) I just caved and stayed in the car and shut up while wishing I had just gotten an Uber home. Once we pulled up to my place I couldn’t help but break down again.

    The home which I once loved and grew up in became so dark and so empty so quickly. My grandma on my dad’s side died right before the holidays so my grandpa didn’t put up a Christmas tree and started going to bed really early so everything just felt so somber and I couldn’t imagine stepping into that house at that point and facing the darkness and loss after such a happy beginning of the year. I think my mom felt bad for snapping at me as much as she did and offered to let me stay with her and my grandparents on the other side of the family and I said yes. I just didn’t want to walk alone into a dark quiet house that felt so devoid. We drove back to my grandparents/mom’s place and immediately pulling up to the house. The vibe was different. Christmas lights galore, lights on in the windows, and an energy of life. When we walked through the front door my grandma was still awake watching General Hospital and things just felt normal again for a second. When I met Lamb I was living at that house playing xbox 360 in the room my mom now resides in and I think I just needed to be there again mentally for a bit due to so much constant change lately. After watching some tv and eating dinner we all went to sleep and I woke up the next morning to my grandma making breakfast and the true atmosphere of family which had been so foreign the past few months was back in my life for a short while.

    Later that day my mom says she has a surprise for me and we’re going somewhere special for dinner so I start getting ready then I do her makeup and we get dressed and she drives us to downtown Phoenix. We valet at the Hyatt Regency and take the elevator up to the Compass, a chic rotating restaurant on the 26th floor of the Hyatt. As we wait for our table me and my mom take photos but as I ask for a few photos my mom brushes me off with “you already got enough photos in L.A.” which really didn’t sit well with me but I wanted to keep the peace and enjoy dinner. We ended up ordering oysters, a weird salad, and amazing swordfish and overall had a really nice night. She said she did it to try to get me to not hate Phoenix as much which was a really sweet gesture but afterwards we went to Lone Butte casino which only further confirmed my Arizona hatred and how devoid of life it is. We headed to the casino to meet up with my grandmother and once we did we split off and I got a $20 cosmo that tasted absolutely awful. Looking around the scene was depressing, retirees gambling away whatever they have left in a sad beige box like moth’s to twinkling lights just feeding the machines hundreds. It’s like some kind of morbid Darren Aronofsky film.

    We ended up getting Panda Express as I don’t enjoy gambling so msg ridden food is the only way I’m not bored to absolute death in a casino. Afterwards we headed home, I took my makeup off, took a bath, and decided to sleep on the couch because my itchy throat that I thought was just an awful hangover started turning into an ugly cough and I didn’t want to get my mom sick. The next morning me, my mom, and grandma watched Millionaire Matchmaker (love that show) and enjoyed our day until I finally said I’m not really feeling that good. Does anyone have cold medicine? My mom gave me some dayquil and cough syrup and we moved on with our day but the next morning when I took a covid test it came up positive… I didn’t know what to do or where to go, both sides of my family are older so everyone is at risk but my mom thankfully felt my pain since she had covid over Halloween so she set up my grandma’s bedroom to be my place to recoup and so my grandma and her shared the bed in her room. My mom heated me up some Progresso soup then headed out to help my aunt clean out her apartment. In the meanwhile I wrote some music and slept (and was rudely awoken by my grandpa throwing a sweatshirt off his desk chair and onto me on the bed waking me up out of my sleep for literally NO reason) and once my mom got home she came back with Asian takeout but none for me…

    When I asked if she happened to get me anything she said “you got soup” referring to the heated up can soup from 12 hours ago. She also complained about having to spend money on Compass when it was her idea with her also coming up with a lie saying I never thanked her for dinner when I totally did. She eventually caved and got me hot wings after I made a joke along the lines of “You get covid and everyone just starts expecting you to eat out the can like a cat” or something. I realized over my life humour and wit can get you what you want on occasion. After she returned with the hot wings and sour cream and chive fries from The Vine (best wings and fries ever my mom successfully boycotted them when they took the fries off the menu years ago) I made sure to thank her since apparently I didn’t do it for compass although I’m 99.9 percent sure I did. Later that night my grandma comes home from the Casino with my grandpa and brings me soup from the Asian restaurant they have inside. It’s called long life soup from Ling & Louies and when I tell you this soup will change your life it WILL. We always eat long life soup with chili paste, lemons, and cilantro on my mom’s side of the family so when my grandma brought it home I asked if she had chili paste and she said she wasn’t gonna open it until she gets mason jars. Which I was a little upset to hear because she had been saying that for months on months (since at least October) and I was so excited to eat the Long Life soup in the manner we always had but I didn’t say anything since I already had eaten the Vine and just headed to bed. Before I called it a night I decided to start writing the beginning of this blog on my macbook and my mom popped in and asked what I was doing and I just said writing my blog and I don’t know like why that was an issue but she immediately was like “well you should just be going to sleep” like ok?

    The next morning I woke up to the noise of my grandpa (mom's side) cursing up a storm while taking down the Christmas decorations. He’s always had the mouth of a sailor even though he was in the army not the navy. I walk outside the bedroom to get some water and my mom, clearly exhausted and overstimulated, says “since you have all that energy to work on your blog you can help me put together this jewelry case mirror thing”. So I go in her room and start opening the box but keep in mind I have temperature, mask on, and just woke up with no water while sick with covid so while trying to open it delicately but struggling with clear taped section I get annoyed and just rip it free from the box not thinking much of it. I stack the pieces together and find the screws and I ask my mom “Where’s the drill?” and of course she immediately doesn’t believe me and says “it doesn’t need a drill” until she opens the directions and reads that it does in fact need a drill. So she comes back with a drill but no drill bit… I ask “Where’s the drill bit? I need a phillips head” she says “isn’t that included in that bag of bolts”. It of course is not so I ask if she can try to find it and she says “why don’t you try to find it?” and I say “I haven’t lived here in 10 years I don’t know where anything is” (they've reorganized the garage multiple times since my departure) after I said that she was just looking for an excuse to get mad and looks over in the corner to the ripped box and immediately starts screaming “YOU RIPPED THE FUCKING BOX HOW AM I GONNA RETURN IT IF YOU CAN'T PUT IT TOGETHER?!” and many other things along those lines and then my grandpa who can’t mind his business for the life of him comes in and starts blaming me asking why mom is yelling and that I shouldn’t be making her mad etc. etc.

    Meanwhile the only person on my side is my grandma timidly saying “why are you having her help if she’s sick with covid? you need to stop yelling Jennifer” but not nearly enough to really make it impactful. Then my grandpa said “both of you need to leave my house, I don't want either of you living here” and I was just confused because I literally hadn’t lived there since the Obama administration. I don’t know if he had a memory lapse or something but I was just there as a guest not to move in. So I said “I don’t live here so I’m gonna pack my things and go to my actual home” so that’s what I did. I gathered up my things as fast as I could to the best of my ability (unfortunately I left behind my oribe hair products, contact lenses, & debit card which were not returned to me... woohoo family) while getting shouted at through a closed and locked door. I called my grandpa on my father’s side to pick me up and headed towards the front door. On the way out my grandma asked me if I was mad at her and considering the fact she wasn’t defending me or protesting against me just getting thrown out sick with covid out of their house and on the street to wait for my dads side, I was mad at her. How could I not be? It’s like that friend that sits in silence while you’re getting bullied. I can’t deal with people who are too spineless to stand up for what they believe is right. I know my grandma knew what happened to me and how I was spoken to by my mom and her husband wasn’t okay especially for how small of a problem the argument was over but she wasn’t gonna truly stand up for me especially to her husband even though she doesn't even rely on his money or sleep in the same bed with him.

                       LIFE LESSON: NEVER LET A FUCKASS MAN CONTROL YOU!!! 

                                  ESPECIALLY IF HE ISN'T PAYING YOUR BILLS!

    On my way out after shutting the door with my arms full of Louis Vuitton luggage my grandpa was outside watering the plants just salivating at the opportunity to say a snarky comment and so of course he said “you need to be nicer to your mother” extremely coldly. He didn’t know how our argument that day started and he had witnessed my childhood marred by verbal & physical abuse by my mom but still expected me to treat her nicely while being screamed at over the ripping of a cardboard box and nothing more. The whole 3 days I was sick at his house he never asked if I was feeling okay or anything along those lines which is really fucked up considering when he was on his deathbed in the ICU I was there, during a time when I didn’t live with him, he didn't pay a single thing toward my life, and could’ve easily just cut him out of my life completely but I chose not to out of the kindness of my heart but he still treated me worse than a stranger would. So after he said his little biting bitchy phrase about being nicer to my mother I just replied “don’t expect me to be there the next time you’re in the ICU” I could hear the words get caught in his throat as he attempted his usual smart ass reply but all that came out after a second or two was “well...Ok”. I walked away after saying what I needed and headed to the end of the street as I could feel him staring daggers into my back and didn't want to be there a second longer.

    After a few minutes my grandfather on my dad’s side pulled up in that familiar large red SUV and we headed back to my actual home and this time it didn’t feel dark and empty like before it felt like a place of unconditional love, mutual respect, and understanding. After getting in the car and explaining what happened and how and why I got thrown out on the street sick with covid because I ripped a cardboard box. My uncle Bryce in the passenger seat said “I don’t know why you even talk to those people” and there were years that I didn’t talk to them and I thought over those years they might have realised why I cut them off and perhaps made an effort to change the way they handle conflict but as I’m sure you can tell from what was written, that while they do nice things for me. It’s when times get tough I realize they’re not really the family I can run to and if anything are consistently the family I run away from. Which is unfortunate because it’s my dads side of the family that are all for the most part substantially older and it makes me fearful of the future. In 5-10 years who will I have to run to? I guess that’s why I gotta figure something out for myself because there isn’t gonna be someone to catch me when I truly fall and need unconditional support... 

     Once I got back to my house I cleaned up my rooms and focused on recovering from COVID while writing material for the next Caviar Noir album and occasionally playing Soul Calibur 3. Unfortunately the jewelry store job I had been occupying my time with keeps constantly pushing back my schedule but maybe it’s for the best. I’ve had time to recover from covid, record and write for the next album, and plan for and attend New York Fashion Week and the Piarist Debutante Gala which are gonna be the major topics in next couple blog post which I’m super excited for. 

    After wallowing in my misery over my fractured family and recovering from my sickness, I couldn't help but feel I was wasting valuable youth rotting alone in my bedroom even if I was working on some upcoming projects including this very blog. However I caved to my inner ticking clock and decided to at least pursue love a bit and check my dating apps again. I haven't had a serious relationship since March so I gotta keep going out before I get a cat or worse multiple cats. I chatted with a guy and we decided to go to Nobu on Friday, I ended up smoking a little too much weed and got in my introvert vibe and decided to reschedule for Monday at 7. 

    Cut to Monday and I'm getting ready and on live and my phone dies but I don't think much of it and plug it in and play music off my tv until I finish getting ready. Once I finish and unplug my phone to call the Uber I am swarmed by a barrage of silenced notifications and calls from him asking if we were still on etc. I call him over and over until he answers explain my phone died and that I'm on the way (a real gentleman would've just picked me up but whatever). After my Uber drops me off outside Nobu I wait on the bench in my gorgeous full length fox fur in the desert winter beneath the Nobu sign. At least half a dozen people walking in and out complimented me on either my beauty, coat, or handbag so I at least knew I looked good but apparently not good enough for my date to be on time...

    After 25 minutes of waiting and on the verge of leaving a white Lamborghini SUV pulls up with the absolute loudest engine I've ever heard (huge turnoff for me). I see a young attractive hispanic woman get out of the car and then a few seconds after, my date... He walks over and says Hi and explains that the woman in the car that got out with him was his children's au pair (and he said au pair too which is basically a fancy way of saying the foreign lady I hand off my children to). I didn't believe it (the girl look like more of a HO pair) but I just wanted to get my free Nobu meal and maybe some half decent sex and hey he was at least tall and hot. 

                       (best sex is always on a yacht tho, something about the boat swaying)

    We get seated at Nobu and when I tell you immediately before asking me anything, or telling me anything about himself, he gets into a whole rant about a lawsuit he's in with his mother and brother over inheritance fraud or something. What I gathered from it is he's basically mad that what he thought he was gonna inherit will instead be getting donated to a charity. I entertained his vent session but he was so invested in me hearing every word and maintaining eye contact I was legit scared to pickup a wine list and figure out what I was ordering. After the waiter had come by 3 times to try to just get a drink I order and I started to feel bad, I just said "Prosecco" and he shocked he actually had to place an order and not continue his monologue said "Espresso Martini" which... kinda a girly drink for such a manly man but ok metrosexual king.

    After getting our drinks he still was on his spiel about the lawsuit the waiter came back and asked for food orders and with at this point me being annoyed and starving I just said "Spicy Lobster Salad & 2 pieces of Octopus Sashimi" my go to Nobu order and once again shocked and unprepared having not opened a menu he just says "What do you have that's like a steak?"... How does someone not have a signature Nobu order? This guy isn't exactly slumming it in his Lamborghini but you're telling me out of the hundreds of Nobu's in every hot city in the WORLD he never had seen the menu and out of all things just asks for steak? Total turn off but I wanted to eat my lobster salad and octopus so I downed my prosecco and got another. 

A.T.R.IV TIP: Alcohol Makes Shitty Men Seem Half-Decent

    Once my food got brought out I went to town thinking his would be brought out soon after. I know déclassé or whatevs but I was STARVING and he was déclassé first by being late and sucking all the air out of the room with legal speak for a first date. They finally bring out his basic straight guy medium rare steak (at least he didn't ask for it well, I probably would of left) and once we finish I excuse myself to the restroom to touch up my face and take a few pics in my 2001 Spring Chanel slip dress. Once I get back to the table he's ready to go so we head to valet. I was considering saying goodbyes here but at that point the alcohol and do it for the blog mentality kicked in. So I hop inside his white Lamborghini and am greeted by stunning red leather interior and LED ceiling. It was nice, nicest car I've ever been in? God no, but def top 10. (not really a supercar fan tho on account of being 5'9" and 6+ in heels so the fact it was an SUV was nice)

SHORT GUY CARS

1. Ford Mustang (had one at 15 my knees hit the steering wheel)
2. Lamborghini Gallardo
3. Porsche Boxster (still kinda want one someday tho)
4. Mazda Miata
5. Anything with a Glass Muffler (small dick energy)

    After a short drive we pull up to his house and it was nice but totally not my style. Very Tuscan 2005 dream home, but I went inside and met his dogs who were all super sweet. (I grew up with tons of dogs and still have a pug named Tessa) He gives me a short tour of the place and asks if I want anything to drink I just say red wine, because I was freezing and it always warms me up. We go to his Spa room with an indoor in ground jacuzzi attached to his bedroom and pass through his Louis Vuitton Luggage filled closet. (he clearly is at least checking one box on the hot bitch airport checklist) While I'm sipping on my wine and putting on Erotica by Madonna the best sensual album of all time he is downing tequila shots like water to a withered rose. I mean it was... Unnerving to say the least but we talked and he actually became less of a pompous douche as he drank more and realized I wasn't some bitch from the mid-west that came from nothing like so many fake blondes that flock to any big city.

                 RED WINE + EROTICA + INDOOR IN GROUND HOT TUB = GOOD TIME

    We get in the hot tub after a few hours of chatting and walking around his property and while I'm sitting on his lap things get a bit wild and he says surprised but still somewhat calm "wait you're a guy" and I was so annoyed because in my profile bio and header I addressed being mtf and went into wayyy more description in my bio just to get usual questions out the way but I guess someone of his IQ doesn't read and just swipes on cute blonde. I say "yeah" I mean tf else was I gonna say and I guess he was still okay with making out and me spending the night so that was cool, at least I didn't get thrown out of his 2005 tuscan badly furnished mansion drenched in water. The rest of the night we just talked and things didn't go much further which I was fine with and I woke up the next morning to him in his office working on something on his computer and he got me an Uber home. Honestly even if he was down with me being born male I still probably would've never hit him up again. He has kids, is incredibly self involved, and devoid of a knowledge on fine art and culture or at least that's what I gathered from our conversations. Also I'm leaving AZ for a long period of time soon so it's not exactly perfect timing for something longterm.

LESSON TO DUMBASS MEN ON DATING APPS: READ THE BIO (READING IS FUNDAMENTAL)

    After getting home I flop on the bed still in my 70s Nordstrom fox fur coat, Chanel slip dress, & heirloom jewelry and knock out with full contacts in and makeup on. After I woke up from my hangover coma, I got a message from my friend Crystal asking me to help her find an iconic dress for Prom as she respected my abilities in sourcing iconic labels and important pieces of fashion history. She wanted something silver and Devon Aoki slinky vibe, I found an amazing Vera Wang silver mermaid dress as seen on Blair Waldorf in the pilot episode of Gossip Girl and she loved it. I also found a Louboutin in the exact same shade of silver satin that just went too perfectly, and on top of that an amazing antique costume jewelry set that looked like high jewelry straight out of Harry Winston. It honestly inspired me to pursue styling/sourcing for other people more as it was just as fun as shopping for myself for a big event. I remember finding my Chanel 1997 Fall runway dress on 1st Dibs and getting butterflies in my stomach just knowing it was perfection and an important piece of fashion history that is now intertwined with an important moment in my life.   

                                 DM ME ON INSTAGRAM FOR STYLING/SOURCING 

    Later that day I tuned into Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and am pleasantly surprised that the episode is covering Dorit's Homeless Not Toothless Gala which I attended when I was living in Beverly Hills. As I was watching I noticed a familiar blonde floating past Dorit's shoulder and walking down the stairs of the Beverly Hilton ballroom... IT WAS ME on a show I consumed like h20 since I was a child. I honestly couldn't care about being an extra on any other show but RHOBH was a large part of why I moved to Beverly Hills along with my bizarre obsession with Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Troop Beverly Hills as a child. I got way too drunk that night but I'm glad I didn't look a hot mess on camera. My Oscar De La Renta dress, Chanel 2002 runway handcuff clutch, & as seen on Sex and the City Jimmy Choos looked amazing in my full body shot and my hair looked great thanks to Sassoon Beverly Hills.

    Overall January much like 2023 was marred by epic highs and epic lows but I will say I attempted to make the best of it and can only hope for a fabulous February. I think being in NYC alone will bring some inspiration not only creatively but also just a drive to work in general. I’ve felt so drained these past few months and I’m excited to get back to fashion week and start feeling forward momentum again. I guess you could sum up January by NYE in the 90210 and standing alone on a street corner with COVID after getting thrown out of the house for ripping a cardboard box, quite the dichotomy but that’s just my life. Next post is February 10th which will cover the Piarist Debutante Ball where I'll be presented as a debutante!!! <3 so stay tuned 

XxXxX

Alois Tyler Rollins IV 

(P.S. I know this post was wayyy too long but it's my first one so I had a lot to get out y'know, and this one covered a whole MONTH rather than just 2 weeks like the rest of my posts will. As a gift to those who made it to the end enjoy this never before heard rough demo snippet based off the Hopelessly Devoted to You song in Grease but reimagined from the Caviar Noir perspective also wish me luck at my debutante rehearsal tomorrow!! love you if you made it this far! Couldn't link the audio file properly on here but you can listen to the demo on the soundcloud link at the top of the page or by checking out this post on blogspot where it was initially posted and checkout the photos and videos there too!)