losing hope kinda

// big rant. warning for general mental health stuff, sh, eating problems

maybe I'm just going through an episode but i feel like a haven't really enjoyed anything in a long time. i hate talking to my friends and family, going outside, eating, showering, ect blah blah blahh. but at the same time, when i don't do those things i feel like a terrible person. everything is just so annoying all the time and i wish i wasnt so angry at everyone but i cant help it. hearing anyone talk sound like nails on a chalkboard to me now. the only way i can cope is by distracting myself, but its getting hard to do that too. watching tv (which used to be my escape) is becoming a chore now. idk what to do anymore. i thought getting into a alternative school would make me better but now im just resentful. not that i wasnt before or anything. ive gotten so close to sh myself to try and do something about anything but i cant. and that makes me feel like im not struggling enough. like i need to get worse otherwise im not important. and my eating problem is getting worse too. since ive been zoning out through weeks ive been forgetting to eat alot, and now ive basically only been eating half my dinner for everyday. hopefully spring break will knock some sense into me, otherwise idk. i think i just need someone to care about me, no one really does anymore. they try to, but i can tell they're never actually listening. i just want anyone to listen to me.

sorry if this is too much, but i dont have anywhere else to talk abt this