Misery of a daydreamer

I’m currently typing this out on an iPad at 10:45pm, a school night because I don’t have anything better do than spend mindless hours surfing the web but I have a few things to spew out that I’m too tired to write down in my journal so here I am.

I started school again last week and have felt nothing more than misery with the thought that this is potentially where I’ll be spending the next 2 years learning before I can finally leave and never look back but why would I want that? I have no friends here, nobody “gets me” and I know that sounds cliche but it’s true. Even if there were chances are they already have a group of friends in their own clique that I can never fit in to OR they’re another quiet person in the school that I’ve never noticed but it’s unlikely as I go to quite a small school. I can say I recognise most of the faces I see on a daily even if I’m unfamiliar with their names. 

I’ve thought about potentially moving again but what good would that do? If anything it just sets je back to square one as now nobody, not even teachers, would have any idea about who I am. Starting fresh is useless as I would just impose the same image I always have to most of the general people in school’s I’ve been to, the quiet introvert who only talks when provoked to. The person who isolates herself from everyone for unknown reasons. The girl who draws constantly on her hands instead of focusing in class. I feel like an entity more than anything and most likely it is so to most people. 

The truth is I’m a difficult person whether I like to admit or not. I take things like the media I consume seriously in order to fill in the void of my lack of personality but at the end of the day I seem cooler online than I do behind the screen. It’s so easy to impose a fake image of yourself on the internet but in a phase where I have no clue who I really am it’s hard to say what part of myself I would consider is actually me or is just part for show. It’s complicated but not many of my peers seem to bother or talk about it because while they’re posing for selfies to post on “the gram” I’m on this site miserably talking about my life and how much I love sad music. I’m like a depressed artist only the art I make is mediocre at best. Also depends on what you want to actually consider art in this context.

I don’t know what I’m blabbering about really, I seem complicated until I’m not. If you ever feel intimdated just realise I’m barely even old enough to do anything really, I’m immature at best but that doesn’t necessarily mean I can’t take certain matters seriously. I’m just tired really. All I want is a companion that understands me and is able to keep up with me but alas I’m only putting out fake hope if I actually believe that’ll ever happen. Misery of a daydreamer I’d like to call it.