the rain

i hate when it rains

it's too noisy, too discomforting and the day after it's always so so strange. The smell is wierd, no matter how nice it smells theres a limit of how much i can smell that scent before it starts to smell bad aaand that scent lasts at least the whole day. 

The noise is so irritating, especially when i dont feel too happy and start being emotional. at those times the rain noise sounds like everyday noises to me. If a noise hallucination existed, that.

"tasunaa" or the entrance door lock opening - with the sound of plastic bags from the grocery store. I hear those alot. I hear my mum calling out my sisters' or my name, when she does that my heart starts to go a little bit faster. I know i haven't done anything wrong, yet, what if i did? and my sister, she always does something wrong. 

i dont want mum to be upset at us

i dont want to hear her call out my name, what if it ends up with her yelling at me? i always manage to tear up at least by a bit. What if she yells at my sister? my sister won't care. My mum will get more mad.

so i hate rain, i hate it because it basically mimics my mothers voice. i hear it in the little rumbles.

as a kid, ever since i was around 7. I dreamed of a day when mum didn't yell throughout the whole day, not a single time.

this is me years later, the day is yet to come. 

today she yelled at me for complaining too much. I said i thought i sprained my hip. i got on the bus today, i talked to the people on the bus.. rarely the case. The driver couldn't see me because another boy took my seat. My favourite seat. My only seat. so he assumed i wasn't there.. HE SKIPPED MY STOPPP the girl on the bus had to call out the bus driver and tell him to stop. I was very very very nervous. when the bus stopped the boy in my seat who sat across from us had his legs wide and straight out. they were in the way. i nearly tripped trying to get over them - i was in a very big rush, couldn't he see? the bus driver stopped at a cross road IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!!! a scene might've happened because of me. so as i got quickly off the bus my legs slipped again, i managed not to fall but my hip.. it hurt so bad. i could barely walk but my house was only a few steps away. 

i told mum this. she yelled. she yelled at me for my bus driver forgetting. i was incredibly sorry. i still am.. see on monday i'll stand up so that the bus driver won't forget, he'll see me through the mirror!! everything will be fine again

im smart enough to do that