When you're the one who tends to love the hardest....

You ever been the one to always love he hardest? Making promises to always stay. Swearing of accepting them no matter what they say or do and could even possibly be but GOD DAMN IT at least you'll stay. You love them to the point of they can do no wrong because accepting them for it and no matter fucking what just feels so right....right? 

But not when it comes to you. No, see, when you say or do something slightly idiotic or stupid without having to think about, you get dropped in within of a hat into a deep dark never ending hole of an abyss. "What did I just do?" You ask yourself, hoping to justify why they left. Maybe they've been waiting for an excuse all along. Maybe, what you did and said wasn't even half as bad. Maybe they were just weak. Maybe loving you scared the shit out of them and this was just a way to get out. An easy escape. Because if they find faults and flaws in others, they don't have to be seen, because if perfect people like you love them despite yall's differences, maybe that would confirm to them that they aren't totally worthless. Maybe they are worth saving, worth loving. 

You dress to catch their eye hoping they'll see you and notice you. You find the right words to make them feel seen and loved. You run around in circles hoping to catch all the blind spots hoping to make sure they feel like the belong. Hoping they feel safe....enough to never leave you. You want to remind them of home....the same home they might have left a long time ago and wish to never come back to. But you, you never got a chance to find yours. You've been hoping it could be them, that a home is a person and not a house with 4 walls, only to be reminded of how lonely home felt. How alone you felt, standing in the middle of the room with no furniture. You were that furniture. You were what made your parent's house a home. You completed them without even knowing, without asking. But you didn't ask to be furniture. You wanted to be the fucking living breathing sunlight that visits through the tiny window cracks and be welcomes like the first day of fucking spring after a cold winter. You were meant to light up every corner of the room. You always shave been the light you've been looking for just not seen. So what if your lights is blinding to those who wish to sit in the dark. So what that some people like to keep their shade curtains always closed? You are a sunshine that deserves to be around people who wish to bask in the glory that you bring and put their sunshades away. You deserve to be around people who crave the sun and it's warmth. When you shine in the wrong spots and places it irritates those who wish to keep themselves in the dark. You deserve to be and to feel embraced.