I'm so confused... all the time

I'm going insane. There's this guy and he makes me really happy. I like to think I make him happy too but I can never be sure no matter how much he tells me. People have been expecting us to get together for years now and I don't really know. I'm always the hesitant one and he puts every fiber of his being into making me happy and talks just something I can't reciprocate. There's something about hiding behind a screen and complimenting him that makes me feel brave. I know I could never face him in person. I think I just don't want him to look at me in fear of him looking too close and realizing how hideous of a person I really am. We had our moments when we'd talk shit about each other and pretend to hate each other but we just can't stick to it. I'm starting to think I'm just ashamed of him. All of my past partners have never liked me very much and it was clear that they were all ashamed of me but I don't want to be like them. I don't want him to know how this feels and I don't want to be the one to screw him over. He tries to hold my hand and hug me in person which I told him I was okay with doing but whenever I see anybody I know, I start to get nauseous and I feel my heart beating a million times per minute and I have to let go. I know he gets upset about it even though he says he doesn't. He's not a good liar. I don't want to let go but I just don't want people looking at me crazier than they already do.

I sound like I'm losing it.