Honestly? Today is Thursday and tomorrow is Friday ☕️💯

hii blog, i'm really so so bad. holy shit it's been a little while. forlorn is my dream of daily journaling. i'm writing this at 03:59 a.m. i just got home from seeing the andromeda galaxy, we're in waxing crescent making it a relatively moonless night and now is the time of year this beauty begins to show itself. one of my friends named himself after the m31.. i thought that was already a really pretty choice, but seeing it in person made it so much more special. i don't know much about skymapping or stars or space but i feel connected to it. i look at the stars a lot. i can't name a single constellation so i make up my own each time.

i have a swelling crush and no clarity of the future and everything is messy but seeing the andromeda tonight felt really reassuring. it's kind of corny but it just makes me feel happy, that astronomy is the one thing that has always been prevalent throughout humanity. the fact everything we see up there looks so different to how it actually is, i've mistaken a cluster of stars for one star so many times. i've mistaken endless opportunities for one fate so many times. it's soo awesome. i see my friends as celestial bodies too. this is one time i'm glad i'm not good at maths, all the science seems like magic to me. i'm on my period right now sorry everything is everything.

final exams are coming up and i missed 2 years of all of my courses due to terrible mental health and i'm kind of doomed. i study frequently but there is so little time for so much. my school is essentially a school for lower-class people so there are few chances even for the smartest people in my year to succeed academically, so for me you can only imagine how /stuck/ i feel right now. i have a serious as hell final exam in a week and i've missed all the material for it! we don't have the funds to get me help for my mental issues so that's like not even a solved issue that i can move on from to focus on studying!! my brain runs at 10000 thoughts an hour and i feel like a prisoner to everything surrounding me ughhhh. everywhere i go is just another jail cell in disguise. the forefront of my mind feels like a beach packed with a million people, everyone wading through the tides and splashing as much as possible. sorry. my friend told me i'm spiraling. he's probably super right. i'm the most dramatic biatch i know.

i'm reading this book called sister outsider, my room is dark right now so the authors name is obscured but im like 80% sure it's by 'aurde lorde' or something. lorde... we laugh until our ribs get tough.. but that will never be enough.. . the way i got introduced to lorde was through a girl i met in an art forum i can't remember the name of. she was actually fairly popular i think. and she works for netflix now. her name was chloe.. we used to draw cats together. simple simple times. for the first time in my life everything feels totally unpredictable. i've always relied on high school as my stability/structure day-to-day and i don't have that any more. i feel like my whole body is a phantom limb or something. when i stick my head out the window to smoke in her room i tend to take off my clothes piece by piece, she's the only person who's ever seen me that way. naked, not to fuck, but just to be. this is the first time in 2 years i've felt truly truly understood by another person. i'm two months sober in 3 days. FUUCK.

sorry. i never come into these with a plan. it's 4:33 now. sometimes i just let my fingers glide across the keyboard in time with my train of thought and say things nobody wants to read. i always get the urge to delete all of my blog posts and come back clean, but i need to practice being vulnerable so badly. i was talking to my mother and felt like crying mid conversation, so i just turned my back and walked away before it could happen. like, i'm preemptively avoiding being emotional, not just hiding emotions as they happen. let's cherish things.

XO K