Life update cuz it's been a minute

Bro everything has been happening all at the same time and it's sooooooooo overwhelming. I haven't had the energy to post or really do anyhting, even the depression room has resurfaced. Things have been getting a bit better tho so I'm taking this time to go on a long rant. 

First and foremost, I've reached 8 months sobriety for the first time ever. It's kinda hard to actually feel excited or proud abt it (alexithymia is the culprit I think) but I'm just gonna acknowledge it as if I am proud bc I know I should be or smth.

(Here's my tracker)

Another cool thing is I finally got my driver's license and that has been so fucking awesome. Taking public transit to work has been really annoying ever since I switched to night shift so now I can drive which means I get extra sleep before my shift since the commute is really short. Night shift has been okay, still not completely settled in tbh. They've put me in a really shitty position in order to compensate their lack of employees which is really hard for me bc I'm not just new to this hospital I'm new to this career as a whole. They really shouldn't put new ppl in that position cuz like their communication fucking sucks, they NEVER tell me what I'm supposed to be doing. Thankfully, the other phlebotomists on the floor are very helpful for guiding me since dispatch doesn't do that very well. 

I've also just been having a hard time bc I took on way too much at once I think. I started doing the IOP with Charlie Health bc I thought it was gonna take longer to find a job and then I got hired right as it started so I just kinda did both. I've basically had no free time for like a month and a half. It's just sleep, therapy, work, repeat. Next week is my discharge from Charlie Health so I'm hoping things will get a little easier because I'll be able to sleep more and I'll have more time to myself. I really want to go back to my pole classes, I cancelled my subscription when I started all this cuz I knew I would be too tired to do it. I don't think the program was a waste tho I definitely got something out of it at least. I made some new friends for the first time in literal years. Like proper friends too, we text frequently and go on calls and play dead by daylight together and stuff. They're really nice! :D 

I also got an informal diagnosis of BPD. It really explains everything. Like my other previous diagnosis' were important and helped me figure stuff out but there's always been a very large and important piece of the puzzle missing that I just couldn't figure out. BPD was definitely that piece. I've been having a surprisingly difficult time processing it even tho I was the one that brought it up to the therapist. Reading about the traits and behaviors just brings up a lot from my past that's very painful ig. I wanted to understand myself better, and I guess I do now, but it's all the parts of myself that I've always hated combined into a page on the DSM 5 so it just kinda feels like a stab in the chest. Out of all my diagnosis' it's also the most stigmatized one for sure, that's why the therapist didn't want to put it formally on record. It's really disheartening to google how to cope with BPD and how to improve yourself with BPD only to be bombarded by "how to break up with your partner with BPD" and "how to deal with a loved one with BPD" and "is a healthy relationship possible with someone with BPD" etc. Reminds me of shitty mental health buzzwords like "narc abuse" the way it's just demonizing an entire group of people for simply suffering from a large group of severe trauma responses. Cuz at it's core that's really all that personality disorders are. Idk I'll deal with it tho, I always do. Breaking down internalized ableism and self loathing is what I've been working on for a while so this diagnosis ultimately isn't changing my goals it's just an extra surprise that's always been there waiting for me to discover it. 

I was also gonna write an update about the conflict going on with me and my best friend rn but I feel like I still haven't processed it and I think I just wanna keep it inside for now. But that's definitely also been one of the things overwhelming me. I don't entirely remember bc time has been blurring but I think that's the reason my depression room came back. I was so upset I had to call out from work too cuz I was managing myself so I didn't relapse. It's entirely my fault tho so play stupid games win stupid prizes I guess. I think it's gonna be okay. 

On a happier note, I got to go to comicon a little while ago. I'm too new at work to have sick time tho so I had to go to con and work so it was like one of the most exhausting weeks of my life and I only cosplayed the first day but I'm still glad I went cuz it was a lot of fun. I'll share my cosplay pics in a separate post I think. The con helped me while I was being emotionally overwhelmed by my BPD diagnosis so that was great. 

I think that's all the major stuff to update on. If I forgot something I can just write about it later so that's all for now!