36 | I’ll think about it later

using imgbb as my image irl source now because all my images are broken in my past entries now. Even those that aren’t even a month old!

VERY VERY long entry today. I am YAPPING.

recently started applying for like, my real person job lol, I managed to get a couple of interviews scheduled, but I’m worried I’ll fuck it up. I practiced with my brother and I’m awful with thinking on the fly.. I couldn’t answer anything without stuttering and losing track of my narrative. I KNOW the answer, I just truly can’t communicate.

I’m really hoping to get an outpatient nursing job, but it’s not looking likely right now with my skills. …I didn’t even get a call back from the unit I work on… OUCH but whatever, I’m not going to feel upset over things I can’t control.

Even though I won’t be getting in, I just need to consider it practice. Admittedly, it’s really hard for me to apply to jobs because whenever I look at a job postings, all I can think about is how I’m not good enough and that I don’t want to do this. But hey, I’ll get desensitized as time goes on.

When I looked in the mirror today and noticed my first signs of wrinkles and it kinda clicked that im just not a kid anymore.

I guess what this whole thing made me realize that I’m at a point where I need to grow up a little. like, I need to actually start working towards something instead of being so aimless. It’s just hard when the experience I’ve had is so unpleasant. Everything is scary. Everything is hard. I feel like I don’t understand anything.

I guess the weird thing is though, that throughout the past 6-7 months I’ve been journaling here I actually have done A LOT that aligns with success in a practical sense. I got my first job, credit card, files taxes, did an internship, got over my drivers anxiety and social anxiety, yap yap yap.

I guess they don’t really feel like accomplishments because there really isn’t any purpose beyond me doing those things other than “I need to learn how to survive.” When I started this journal, that was honestly my philosophy because I couldn’t even get myself to do the bare minimum. All I would do was just lay down in bed, all day, everyday.

This mindset really did work in terms of tangible achievements, but I haven’t really grown much internally because I never bothered to think about accomplishments beyond their practicality. I’ve repeated this a lot but, I don’t really feel like a person anymore.

So, what do these accomplishments mean to me? How can they contribute not only to my survival, but to me, as an individual?

Other than survive, I guess I want to be able to work towards something I actually care about and be successful in it. Something in arts or coding or just any interest. I want what I’m doing now to mean something because I’m using it to contribute to my individual wants. I also want to truly recognize and feel the inherent value I have as a person. Just to become competent in both my work and with exercising who I am.

I’ll work shop it more later LOL, I need to go shopping for interview outfits. Byee