Going insane (Rant. Feel free to ignore)

On here because I may or may not be isolating myself from all my friends and not posting anywhere. 

I just don't know what to do. I've been so depressed and anxious these past few weeks and it's been driving me insane. I've been constantly worried about being hated or upsetting people, I've asked one of my friends (friend? I don't know. Situationship?? Whatever he wants us to be.) If he hated me and if I upset him at least 10 times through February and March. I begged him not to hate me or to leave me. I feel so embarrassed about it and I feel so bad that I'm bothering him with that bullshit. I just love him so much and the thought of him hating me scares me so bad. 

I'm ghosting all my friends right now. It's better off for them this way. They're worried about me now but it'll be better by the time they're over it, then they'll realize how better it is without me. They don't deserve me, especially not him. He's spent way too much money on me and put too much time into me. He's comforted me through so much and I just don't deserve it. He deserves a lot better than me. All my friends do. 

I've been anxious all day. I've been feeling like I'm gonna throw up and that I'm suffocating. I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't wanna do anything. Sorry for this rant, I just gotta get it out somewhere.