mourning

- Log 1 3/7/24

Hi whoever wants to read this, I just have a lot on my mind and I can't seem to find anyone to listen to me so might as well just talk here

Sometimes I just lay in bed and think but when I think it slowly gets darker and darker I'm not sure why. I just wonder, what am I gonna do after high school, am I gonna get any better or will I just get worst. Highschool is the peak of my life right now, I don't wanna stop being a teenager. I'm going to miss all of that. But at the same time im excited, I wanna go and live life to it's fullest while im here. xd 

I miss the times I was genuinely happy, now i'm just some person with horrible anger issues, no matter how hard I try I'm going to be the eggshell people have to carefully step on. And it sucks because I'm very sweet and nice but I get so angry quickly I ruin nice things. I don't mean to be so angry, I actually want to be more friendly. ANy tips??? Like I'm scared my anger will cause me to be lonely :< Lately I've been getting way more depressive episodes, they usally come around every now and then but it's been so frequent lately. I just wnna lie in bed and rot... I have a social life, I have friends, I have everything a hppy person has but I just lack happiness. And I guess I sound arrogant but I'm not trying to be. I know I shouldn't be so depressed cause I have no reason to, but I just am. And I hate that people don't get that, like people don't even understand my brain yet somehow they know more about it than I do. Why don't people ever take me serious. I just want to be understood, I want to be acknowledged. I want people to realize even though I have people that love me I just feel so cold and lonely. I know I sound edgy and emo whatever, I guess I am. 

I want to be clean, Idc I'll say this shit here, I smoke a shit ton of weed. It's an unhealthy amount, but I really wanna quit. It's so hard though because in highschool everyone will have some. So I see it everytime I step in the restroom and it SUCKKSSSSS like wtf how am i suppose to quit when everyone is flauting that shit. Like FUCKKK i love weed but shit cant u leave me alone til im21 xddd

And well since im here lets end on a cheesy topic. CRUSHES its like the universe doesn't want me dating or something, like everytime i meet a nice guy I just end up losing feelings or he doesnt like me yk. like there was a guy and I genuinely thought he seemed interested in me. Like he was asking about me cheesy stuff like that but of course, no one even tries to fall in love anymore. He literally just kept making things sexual so I was like wtv fuck that and blocked him obvi, but c'mon i just want to meet a nice guy who likes me for me.... like idk the relationship i have in my mind that i want is someone who supports me, who wants to be with me, who actually wants to try and stay together, but of course why do i try. and i dont wanna seem whiney or annoying i really dont but you have to agree it sucks knowing that. I feel like now all guys wanna do is get with a girl to cheat on her or be under her sheets. WHile were on this topic, its crazy. My ex who I thought I would lock in with, I don't think he even liked me to begin with. Supposedly I heard during our relationship he had a crush on a whole other girl. Like fuck you. actually FUCK YOU. ANd he has the audacity to say I broke his heart. Like the reason we fucking broke up was cuz u never put in any effort to even try to be my boyfriend. where were you?? Not once have you said I was pretty, or that I looked good, like no I had to tell you. And you would only do it when I told you, not to mention that shit was text onyly... like okayyy. And you never once tried to hold my hand or anything. It was always me making the first move. So how is that breaking ur heart if u didnt even like me in the first place. Go ahead and lie to ur friends bitch but I always find shit out. Likeeee, I'm the hoe??? Okay then fuck you.

Anyways, i guess thats really all there is to it. God I have more to say but i cant exactly think of it rn.. I guess goodbye for now until my next entry.

Time posted- 9:13PM