vent lol !!

i know this is rlly fucking stupid because im literally venting on a DAMN SPACEHEY BLOG but i jst wanna get a few of my problems off my chest rlly and venting a discord server seems corny enough (ive vented multiple times on discord in general but anywayyyy)

idk why but ive been struggling so much lately.. like i cant even think of a reason to get out of bed other than school which has been like DRAINING MY ENTIRE HEALTH. everything in my life just sucks lol im literally so alone and the only people im close to are my internet friends, i have no one to rely on bc im just a suicidal depressed bitch who rots in her room all day and even when ppl talk to me i push them away. and that just concerns me bc like i want validation?????? i WANT to feel less undesirable and more loved??

not to also mention NO ONEEE in my life seems to actually like me, my mom literally abuses me and my sisters just like dont even try to bond with me it just fucking sucks. dont even get me started on my mom. i have a strong hatred for her but i also feel like i need and rely on her i just wish she was never in my life at all. and well my dad is in jail because lets just say he got a little too violent and is physically abusive!! (well hes rotting in jail now so thats a good thing)

and i just hate how im more sexualised than appreciated. most men ive met (especially older ones) always say something about me and i dont even know how to respond because i think im just a desperate bitch who wants attention probably LOL im literally such a freak i hate myself and i shouldnt let anyone do that but idk whats wrong with me uhm

sometimes i just wonder how kind i wouldve been (probably) if it didnt all happen. like what if i wasnt severely and constantly abused and tormented to the point where it has fucked me up and turned me into a rude bitch who is mean 2 ppl who arent close to me?? even thinking about it makes me realize how severe my trauma was wtf. deep down im trying i swear

last problem i wanna talk about is how i jst wanna end it all. like IM SOOO close to killing myself rn and nothing is helping me rn, my suicidal thoughts and depression has suddenly been getting worse day by day and its gotten to the point where ive started cutting!! (AGAIN.)

idk lol idk if i want it to get worse or better anyway byee