the desire to get worse

Alright so this is just gonna be me venting lol

I have always got this feeling of wanting to get worse. Like, I'm really down rn but I want to feel worse. I've been feeling like this since I was 12 years old. It was like I didn't want to get help because deep down I knew it wouldn't work. All my friends moved and I was left alone.

However, I got help or at least tried to... but it only was because teachers were getting worried about me. Even a teacher found out my self-harm lol. So he told my parents, and I had to a psychologist. 50 fucking € per week for just to make things worse. 

I wanted to study arts - but my psychologist said that I was never going to get a job if I studied that. She forced me to take painkillers. I lied to her a lot. The things I like, the things I do, I told her I was doing good in school (lie)... I just lied at everything. And she somehow believed it. 

Then I decided to stop going because it wasn't helping me and didn't want my mom to keep wasting her money on me. I realized that a psychologist wasn't going to help me. She was just 'guiding' me but I didn't want to do my part. Because I don't have the motivation to do it. I don't have the motivation to wake up from bed and go to take a walk. I just want to lie there and sleep or play all day. 

This world owes nothing to anyone and you just have to survive. At the end of the day it's just me with myself. I am the only one who can change myself. But I won't do it because I can't. Why would I effort on something I'll eventually lose. I'm going to die anyways. It doesn't matter what I do. I'll end up the same way.