3/05

Time

Go to Noon

Go to Dusk

Go to Night

I HATE THE SUN I HATE THE SUN  I HATE THE SUN THE SUN I HATE THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!

Does anything good happen under the sun?!?! the only thing that accompanies the sun being up is real life (YUCKKKS!!) I WILL FOREVER LOVE THE DARK! the dark is my best friend forever! i look better in the dark, i dont have bad thoughts in the dark, i feel good, i have more energy, i am ALIVE! im so tired of having to live under this rule of light. the age of darkness will usher in and i will celebrate the day we live under an infinite penumbra. all my insecurities and worries are hidden under the guise of an empty void, only when the sun shines do they become exposed. i feel like my overthinking has always been right! i must be the smartest angel to exist! i trust in my deepest darkest thoughts. one knows themselves best right (HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!AHHAAHAHHAWFUOWEHTUIV23JIHRVUIOW2EHR89OEHIFGWEHOFAWHIOO)

i dont deserve anything good happening in my life. i dont work towards anything productive. everything ive ever done has been done out of neccesity. pushed by the will of others. i dont want to leave my room. i dont want to eat. i dont want to brush my teeth. i dont want to shower. i dont want to get out of bed. ive had too many good things happen to me in life for me to feel like this. why. 

i wish someone took advantage of me. its the only way ill ever have intimacy with anyone. i wonder how much further in life i can make it like this. (HOPEFULLY VERY FAR, RIGHT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) the moment im left to my own i just become a shell of a human, no self care, no self love, no will. when youve isolated yourself from the real world, at what point does craving real things become delusional. 

imagine having to talk to someone and all you can say to them is that you spend all your time alone in your room, no job, no education. "oh hey, so what do you do!? are you going to college? you have a job? oh no, ok well... at least you're preparing for something right!" AHAHAH NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONON. how am i supposed to have a normal conversation with these people. i dont even live in the same world as them. 

i cant keep my hygiene, fantasize about being abused, and the only thing i look forward to is substance abuse. i actually dont know what is wrong with me. i dont want to see a therapist either.

i think i might be the happiest person on earth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

maybe if you share this world ive secluded myself in... you'll fall in love with me! (kys)

(no emoticons this blog) (BLEEGHGHHH!!!)