5/3/24

good morning

to be honest all i ever wanted to do since i first joined this website was to write about my daily life, kind of like a diary but it's not secret and you can actually read it (｡- .•)

i also like the idea of me disappearing one random day and the only thing left of me is a silly little internet blog documenting my everyday life and all of my thoughts i guess.

anyways, i'm writing this at 10 am tuesday, and the date is already said in the title so there's no need to mention it again lol

tomorrow i'll go to school for the first time in a while (3 months, vacation) and will meet entirely new classmates

for the past 3 years i've shared the same classes with the same people and a few that joined later, and now i'll have to do everything from scratch again.

i like it. making new friends aside from the ones i made in the previous years, though only a few were actual friends and most were acquaintances. but it also makes me anxious.

i don't consider myself to be weird or awkward.

or maybe i do. a little bit. but i just feel like i've never been able to truly connect with someone. for someone to be as "weird" as me, which is why it is hard for me to have actual friends. obviously i have my boyfriend which is the only exception to this, but aside from him i'm almost all alone.

is it my fault? i'm not really sure. i guess it's a mix of things. i have strange interests, i prefer to spend my time alone and in silence, and i can't trust or open up to people easily, which is embarrassing honestly. i don't think there's a real reason for me to be this way. there has never been an event in my life that flipped a switch, that made me suddenly turn quiet and shy. i guess i've always been this way, born this way. but that's fine. i've adapted.

leaving the negativity aside, i think i'm actually kinda fun to be around, when i'm truly myself of course. i try to not be boring, to be approachable and seem nice. and i guess people do see me like that, but not enough to actually want to be my friend.

i don't know.

damn. that's a lot of words. too bad i'm not reading any of em

anyway, i need to stop worrying too much about these things. really, all i truly care about is being healthy and living a long, comfortable life in a nice home with one or two cats. maybe more if i feel like it. but i'm lying, i do care about these things. i want to feel loved, not only romantically, but platonically.

oh well. i think i'll be fine. i felt this way after the pandemic too. and i survived. i'm okay.

and my trusty taroscopo en twitter said something about new friends and good impression and some other words i can't remember right now, so even if it's not based on science and just a bunch of pretty cards, i'll choose to believe it. i'll be fine.

is this how people feel about religion?