mentally unstable girl

dear blog, 

every time i talk to a boy i lose my mind, i cannot handle it. when they seem the tiniest bit uninterested i act insane. i lose all of my hobbies and all of my sense of individuality; it all disappears because all of a sudden I'm all about the person that i'm talking to rather than being there for myself. 

i become too invested than i should, i act so immature and childish when it comes to my emotions. i hope to stop this soon, i think its because all my life I've struggled to be vulnerable with people ... so when i get the chance (when someone who I'm fond of enters my life) i accidentally become a bit too vulnerable than i should. god, its so annoying. i have strong emotions in general and for that i am grateful, not many people feel things the way i do so i view it more as a gift, but in these circumstances i wish it would all go away. 

i wish i was a person that could enter things very casually and very nonchalantly, but the way that i am does not call for that. all my emotions become so intense and all of a sudden i do not know what to do with myself; how will i ever be able to be happy if i never stop being this way? ill never ever be able to be happy if i cannot control my emotions when a simple situation arises. i hope for someone to love me one day, despite how sporadic i act. i will get better soon.

this is the song i was listening to in the moment, its very comforting. my favorite part of it is 01:14.