Why not me? // A rant with self-awareness

Why not me?

I know it's selfish or self-centered to ask the universe why not me, in a time of genocide, a climate crisis, and inflation but all I want is all anyone wants — a successful career, friends, and love. 

And — it is becoming very obvious that I may never have what I want.

To travel — the world is burning and monuments are being destroyed. There is no longer the seventh wonders of the world; we know too much and can no longer rely on naivety and ignorance to ignore the truth of how these wonders were built (i.e. slave labor, genocide, and other human rights violation. As shown by Hawaii's stance on tourists before and after the wildfires ravaged the island.

To work — as an aspiring journalist, I'm constantly being reminded that there are no jobs in legacy organizations relating to news with massive layoffs and news deserts sweeping the nation and the globe. There just isn't work to fit my degree without competition with other more senior candidates who were just laid off and had more connections than I do.

To love — how can I expect meaningful relationships when I can't bring anything to the table, except myself (which isn't much if I were to be honest; I'm fat, shy, and never once been called pretty by anyone but my mom.) I don't have a job, conventional looks or have experienced anything of any value. I have often felt that I was last-ditched option, the friend who walked behind the group on the sidewalk or in the grass, someone no one texted first (I would text those that I considered friends to hang out and when I stopped reaching out first; these friendships wouldn't last, drifted apart because I was holding it together, which made me feel like I was a nuisance, someone no one wanted around, I took up too much space so I decided to make myself smaller.)

To live on my own — I went from my parents' house to a dorm room back to my parents' house. I recognize finding a rental property or getting a house is difficult for everyone due to the high interest rates, inflation and the apparent lack of options due to corporations and AirBnB hosts. I just want my own place. I grew up poor, below the poverty line. Living in a trailer/mobile home my own life, I just want a better roof over my head. With two siblings buying houses, I want that for me too. To me, buying a house means success, and security but above all, the chance at stability instead of living paycheck to paycheck. 

For the past two years, I have lived with my parents, unemployed spending everyday applying for jobs and only being met with rejection. I have tried everything. So I keep asking myself, "why not me?"

I'm college educated, with experience, and I have been described as having a good work ethic and kind. But when I look at everyone around me who are getting jobs, promotions, getting engaged and/or married, having kids, buying houses, and traveling; it is hard to not feel shame and that I'm not good enough. 

When the argument for unemployment is that no one wants to work, I feel anger because I do want to work but for whatever reason I can't find a job. 

Don't get me wrong, I have had interviews during these two years but often been cut after the second or third round of interviews — (why are there for four to six rounds of interviews for an entry-level position paying $15 a hour?) — I just not being selected. "While your experience and credentials are impressive, we have decided to not move forward with your application."

 Why not me?

tl;dr: I am feeling hopeless in my job search as the markers of adulthood (i.e., employment, housing, relationships) escape my grasp. I recognize my circumstances aren't new and that others are or may be experiencing the same things; I just needed to vent for a minute after receiving another rejection e-mail. I can also recognize that in the grand scheme of things, my predicament fairs better than that of those suffering under genocide, famine, human rights violations, war, etc. But — this is my lived experience and I'm sad at and about everything.

Book Recommendation: 

Empire of Normality: Neurodiversity and Capitalism by Robert Chapman 

Description: via Amazon

Neurodiversity is on the rise. Awareness and diagnoses have exploded in recent years, but we are still missing a wider understanding of how we got here and why. Beyond simplistic narratives of normativity and difference, this groundbreaking book exposes the very myth of the ‘normal’ brain as a product of intensified capitalism.

Exploring the rich histories of the neurodiversity and disability movements, Robert Chapman shows how the rise of capitalism created an ‘empire of normality’ that transformed our understanding of the body into that of a productivity machine. Neurodivergent liberation is possible – but only by challenging the deepest logics of capitalism. Empire of Normality is an essential guide to understanding the systems that shape our bodies, minds and deepest selves – and how we can undo them.

About Author: 
Robert Chapman is a neurodivergent philosopher who has taught at King’s College London and Bristol University. They are currently Assistant Professor in Critical Neurodiversity Studies at Durham University. They blog at Psychology Today and at Critical Neurodiversity.