scrap and stretch across

though life has been relatively great and psychologically i believed i was improving, but the looming black cloud of depression and violent insecurity is something i will never escape

honestly, as far as i remember, my brain has always pushed my mind to the idea that i'm incredibly ugly. that there is nothing attractive about me and that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. to an extent i WAS pretty unattractive up until maybe mid last year or so (atleast as i think) and i find myself much more. Well. Appealing now. but still

lately the sickening, vomit-inducing feeling of ugliness has returned and i cannot ignore it. i feel as if i can't even look in the direction of people i deem 'more attractive', because it just feels Wrong. as if i'm committing a crime. i find myself feeling sick to my stomach when i try to think about my crushes or interacting with people more attractive than me, because i can't physically stomach the idea of having to be in the same vicinity as them. i feel too horrid looking to love or interact. 

i think about the people i'm into, i daydream (like i've done my entire life) but these daydreams are always cut off by the image of someone else i know who is much more suited to be with that person just based off appearance. my being there or dating someone would make my partner look uglier too. 

speaking on terms that aren't just romance/relationship related, i just genuinely can't stand seeing myself sometimes. i can't look at my face because it's wrong and my outfits are wrong and bad and i will always seem wrong and weird and vile. 

there is no way i will ever rid myself of this either way, so the only option is to live with it. it disappears and life improves but it always seeps its way back in and chews a way back into my brain like some fucking rat.