On Happiness and Nirvana

03.03.2024

HI!! Long time no chat <3

I've done a lot of soul-searching these last few months. I tried to get on medication for bipolar disorder and I GAINED a new mental illness (secret ;3), but I've been thinking of my life and what I want out of it.

Maybe all life is, is trying to be content. If being bipolar has taught me anything, it's that both ends of the spectrum are bad in excess. Being super sad is bad, and being super happy is bad. Maybe all life is, is the mix of both. Maybe life is about eating a sweet cake and drinking bitter coffee. The sweetness makes the coffee more bitter and the bitter makes the coffee more sweet. Alone, both of them are fine, but not fully enjoyable. The cake gets too sweet and the coffee needs a bit of milk and maybe sugar. But together, they form a full palate. Neither is "better" or more important than the other, both are just there and a part of the experience. 

I think the mindset people have towards discomfort is a bad one. I think the idea that it's to be avoided leads to an overabundance of "sweet" in one's life. I think discomfort should be rejoiced when it arrives. People should feel it. It's a moment for community and connection and growth and eventual solace and peace. 

I am done calling myself bipolar. Maybe I just am. Maybe my brain does its weird ups and downs and I am merely here to respond to it and find ways to keep going. I am trying to kill my old mindset. No more constant and fast stimulation, no more instant gratification. No more overabundance of food I like, no more overabundance of loving or hating myself. I think I was a personal extremist. I had to ALWAYS love myself, I had to ALWAYS listen to my body, I had to ALWAYS remain happy. Maybe sometimes it's alright to admit I don't love myself right now. Maybe it's a good thing to say. Maybe saying that I CAN be better and someone worth self-love if I work for it is a good thing. Maybe sometimes it's good to eat a salad instead of pizza. Even if I don't like it. Maybe working through hard and boring jobs even though they make me miserable is healthy.

As for Nirvana, I think I agree with it. I'm so attached to life as it currently is. I'm attached to my belongings and my connections with people (as to say, that I deeply care how others perceive and interact with me. I struggle to be happy without external validation). I'm so attached to my little sweets and my avoidance of the bitter that life is stressful. Slow changes. Gradual ones. I understand why Buddha became so thin. I understand now how that made him happier. I am so close to reaching peace. It's right there. But I know that just by saying that, I am so much further than I truly am. Maybe peace is unattainable. Maybe due to how sweet my prior life was forced to be, I inadvertently turned it bitter. Maybe this is just a breath of fresh air, neither bitter nor sweet, and I just feel the tip of it. The beginnings of what life COULD be. Maybe life is worth living for the bad parts as much as it is worth the good parts. We are only human. We only experience this one life. The whole of it is beautiful and full and merry, and to deny myself of experiencing fear or loathing or depression would be to deny myself half of life as we know it.

I am happy. I am so happy.

~ Aldino