it has been a while

i don't know why i post these blogs about my life, i don't know anyone on here personally and the amount of information i reveal about myself on here is probably not safe. but it does make me feel better about things, when i need to get everything off my chest, i have a blog nobody reads to yap to. 

and since a majority of my posts are about the guy i like, why would this one be any different? you don't feel the way i do about a guy and give up on him after a few months. it's been two years, i am not even slightly over him and i don't wish to be because the way i love him, i don't think i could love anyone else like that. 

i'm not a christian, but i think Gods there for me when i need him. sometimes, i ask God for things in my head and He helps me. i could not tell you how many times i've asked Him to bring the guy i love back to me. and it hasn't happened yet, think of it like this. the little things i ask for, God can do because he's God, and it isn't a struggle for him. but i think this is going to take a little bit of work and time, and what can i do other than wait? just be patient and see what happens. that's all i can do, everyday. wait for him. 

i check my phone every morning, half expecting to see a text from him on my screen and there's never anything there. this would seem toxic if the situation wasn't the way it is, which is this:

he hasn't been online on any social media or gaming platform which is unlike him, he left his phone in cali and i'm not sure if he has it, if he's lost in back in MA or if it's still in cali. the last time he texted me was february 22, like 10 days ago. the longest he's gone without texting me was recently, 16 days. i am not the type of person who can handle being ghosted and especially by someone i love so much. and in this situation i am just extremely confused. what the fuck is going on?

i am an overthinker but part of me stresses that he's dead or something. or is he grounded? is he ghosting me? is his phone in cali, crushed on a sidewalk somewhere? i am fucking clueless and angry at him, but mainly i just feel abandoned. 

would you say "i love you" if you didn't mean it? because i can't remember the last time he said "i love you" seriously. he's joked around, he's put "ily," "ily2," "ly2 blake," in response to my "i love you so much" and fully written "i love you"s. 

and though i may be wrong, i think i'm entitled to a little information. i just wanna know he's alive and still thinking about me. there is so much i wanna say to him and i just feel so alone. i don't want to meet other guys. 

and you know what? i found this guy. he goes to my school, he's a transfer, and he's tall with long dark hair. he plays basketball and ice hockey, and he's kinda reserved and doesn't have many friends. i think he listens to rap, he said he likes kanye west and some other guy. and i could've told him that i thought he was attractive but everytime i was going to, i thought about fish (awful codename for the guy i like) and knew i couldn't love anyone the way i love him. 

i have bad friends, i'm not sleeping properly, the guy i love could be dead, i might have covid, my skin and hair and acne and money and everything is not in a good place, my mental health is like a rollercoaster and i feel abandoned and lost. 

but, on a positive note, i want to abruptly shut up about boys and sadness and list things i'm grateful for. 

clean sheets, good food, netflix, my family, my house, and my pets. i have a few good friends, i'm going to a concert in a few days, i don't have to go to school tomorrow and more. 

so now that i've complained, and then forced positivity in here, i'm going to post, and then sleep. 

actually probably not. i'll probably stay awake and listen to music. but same thing, right?

goodnight 

love blake