lonelyness

dear blog,

i feel like all i ever do is come here and complain, but this is my blog so i do not care that much. i really wish i could cling onto someone, but once i get close with someone,  i end up distancing in some way shape or form. i think its because every time i crave someone's company is when i am in the wrong headspace; so when I'm in the right one what i craved when i was at my lowest disgusts me. it just becomes something i grow out of once i have it. its the reason I've broken up with all my boyfriends, once they all give me attention i just feel so disgusted with myself and then end up leaving. I don't know why I'm this way, maybe i just secretly crave being alone i just do not know it yet. I do like to be alone, and do my own thing; but does that explain this weird attachment style that i have? or maybe all my boyfriends were just too touchy for my liking. my last boyfriend was just right, but the only issue was that he was a bit TOO distant from me hence why i had to leave him. isn't there a mix? maybe I'm too picky. if i ever want to keep any sort of company i should not be so picky when it comes to my peers. its like, once i finally have something i leave it. am i scared of vulnerability? i don't know why I'm this way. its driving me nuts...