2024 So Far :)

So, of course it's been a while since I've written on here.. I think. I'm not 100% the last time I was on here. Anyways, sooooo this year has been crazy. As per usual LOL.

So, start of the year, one month with my boyfriend. It's all really good honestly. I think the beginning of February or the end of January me and my bio dad had a falling out. Go figure. 

He is like a drug addict, but he's not a raging drug addict. He does meth, but not everyday. Doesn't excuse it though, my step mom is a nurse and she's a recovered addict. She didn't particularly like meth back in the day though. But, anyways, one night he left off to my uncle's house (where he gets the shit) and I was like "uh where tf is he," bc he waited til like 10:30 pm to go, and practically sneaked off. Didn't even tell anyone where he was going.. but we knew LMFAO. Anywayz, so we called and told my step mom. I lied and said my sister said something bc my step mom wanted me to tell him to call her. But, whatever. 

Well, later on I was told to run to town to get food. I was going to get a pizza with my step mom's card, and get MYSELF Taco Bell with MY MONEY. So, as I go, one of the pizza stores that has hot and ready pizza was closed. So I called and asked if we wanted the other pizza store that was on the way home. She said sure, and Taco Bell is in between the two said pizza stores, right? So, I get my Taco Bell, and then I call her again and ask if they have hot and ready here or if I need to make an order. She was like, "Y'know what don't worry about it, it's fine," and I was like, "Are you sure??" and she was like, "Yeah." 

Obviously, I had only brought money to get myself Taco Bell, bc I was betting on the pizza, and she told me to come home. I didn't wanna turn around and get the Taco Bell again, and I didn't even consider it bc she said that my dad could cook something. Sooooo? I come home? With the Taco Bell that I fucking paid for with my fucking money? LOL? My dad comes in the room and he was like, "where have you been?" and I was like, "Oh Hannah had told me to run and get food," and he was like, "YoU DiDn'T EvEn AsK If I WAnTEd AnyThINg." SO, obviously I was like, "Yeah, I was going to get a pizza but (insert what I've already said about what happened." And yadda yadda he screams at me and thinks that I'm trying to break him and my step mom up. NEWS FLASH: YOUR DRUG ADDICTION IS BREAKING YA'LL UP NOT BE, FUCKSHIT! So I had to spend the night at my neighbors, whatever whatever. He's still bent up about it despite nothing literally happening since. Like. bro. Get a grip. He was like, "I can't believe my own daughter would stab me in the back like that." Oh, yeah buddy, me wanting you to stop doing drugs is totally me stabbing you in the back. You can keep destroying your already crippled body, I don't give a damn anymore bro. Besides, he's already said I'm a bad person to my neighbor, so whatever whatever. 

I've been a bit more motivated to clean and such, I've been keeping up with my chores pretty okay. My grades..? yikes. My lowest grade recently was a 7, highest (besides a class based of participation) was an 81. Everything else was in between those LOL. I've been really trying to protect my peace though, not worry too much about it. Just get it done. 

Me and my boyfriend have been really good recently. Obviously, I have issues with believing that someone is in love with me. Or even remotely likes me, and I always feel like I'm one step away from having the person who likes me break up with me. I don't really know why, I go back and forth from being like, "man I am so in love with him and he loves me yippee!!" and then it's like, "holy shit I am undeserving of love, he doesn't really love me, he wants to live me right now. He probably thinks I'm ugly and is only with me out of moral obligation/loneliness/pity etc etc" How to not feel that way, no borax no glue? But he is so loving in person, and smiles at me, and is just all around so attractive. We were on the phone for about 5 hours Thursday night. We stayed up til like 2 AM talking to each other. It was amazing. I miss him so much, I got grounded bc I hung out with him on the Friday that my step dad was supposed to pick me up. My step dad's phone was broken, which I had no idea and would send him texts to come later. Well, obviously he wouldn't receive them.. so. Yeah, they thought I wasn't seeing him on purpose. 

I got to spend the night at my boyfriend's house though bc my parents purposefully didn't pick me up, but I'm not complaining at all. I enjoyed cuddling him while we slept. We didn't do anything. Though, this isn't the first time that I've slept over at his house. Feb 10th was his birthday, right? So, he has me over and he has his buddy and his mom over as well. B likes alcohol, no secret there. So, we have fireball. I've never really been a heavy drinker, ever. I'm lightweight when it comes to anything: smoking, drinking, etc. I keep my tolerance low on purpose and I don't get obliterated often. Well, we have fireball in a cup and I'm trying to keep up drinking with him, while also being high. Well, that just turns into me being so fucking drunk, and I get so emotionaalllll!! UGH IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING! I was crying and being like, "Why doesn't my dad love meeee?" and such, bc this is after all that stuff happened. His friend left, I don't even remember him leaving.

I was stumbling and it really started out with me laughing. Everything was fuckin funny dude, I was giggling and laughing. I loved it. Well, I went to go piss and I was alone in the bathroom. So, I started crying, but then I was like completely fine. I cried for a solid 5 seconds and then I was chill. Poor boyfriend had to knock on the door and check on me, and I was like, "I'm 100% okay." and then not even a full like 5 minutes later, I was sobbing. He was so sweet though, I know I kept I apologizing bc I felt like I was ruining his birthday. I kept being like, "why does my dad hate me!?" and he was like, "they don't deserve you." AGHHH!! SO SWEET!! 

Well, probably not even 10 minutes after that, I'm a horny maniac. I've already warned him about this, when I drink I am a hormone monster. I apparently offered to suck his dick, and he was like, "I don't really feel like getting walked in, that would be embarrassing." GUYS GUESS WHAT? EVEN UNDER THE INFLUENCE I DIDN'T FORCE HIM!! I think he touched me through my clothes though (which, we're both drunk, I was 100% okay and initiating, RELAX.) and oh my god it felt like? So fucking good? Holy cow. I won't go into weird detail though, it was pretty straight forward. We haven't done anything besides that though, which I am like "agghhhh I am so pent up GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!!" but on the inside. I wouldn't make him do anything or break up with him just bc he doesn't want to have sex when we've been together for only.. uh soon to be 3 months? Like, that would be so douche-y. I of course wouldn't lie and say I don't want it or anything, but that's his choice. Besides, I'm a cougar and I apparently am the virgin snatcher...? Not even on purpose? (He's 17 and I turn 18 in May. I'M NOT A PEDO!!!!!!!!) But anyways, enough.

I have brought my grades up a bit, I don't have a job, but I'm beginning to love myself and take care of myself more. I'm currently at my step dad's. Despite my claim of taking care of myself, I am so fucking greasy. I went to sleep without a shower Thursday night and still haven't washed my hair.. yuck. We don't have soap here, so. 

I'M GOING TO PROM WITH MY BOYFRIEND AS WELL!!!! YIPPEEE!!!!! I have my dress picked out, it's red and pretty cool. Our theme is red and it's so cute and fun AGHH!! He is going to be so cute, I'm so fucking excited. I've already paid in full and gotten both of us signed up for it!!! Hopefully everything will go good LMFAO. 

Anyways, toodle-oo! I can't remember anything else that I wanted to say, nothing much else has particularly happened.