✧ Log — #21

i feel like our relationship is something similar to cousins. you see me every few months now. i always have something new to say. but i still like hanging out with you. even if it feels a little awkward sometimes.

life has been... better. at least in comparison to when i first started this blog. can you believe i was 17 back then? i turn 19 this may. crazy.

there's one big thing really i have to say. none of the small things are as interesting - though, maybe to me. you, lurker, reading this post might find them mildly entertaining. but i'll hold off on that for now. this isn't your blog, is it?

in two days, monday the 4th of march, i officially start university.

fuck. me.

i think the only thing i can say i am is - unprepared?

this feels like a big life change. and it is. but i'm not ready for it. sure, i'm doing my dream course - i get to make movies for fuck sake! but it still feels incredibly daunting.

it's a mix of two things - fear of the work ahead, and fear of what i'm leaving behind. 

there's a part of me that's still raw. a younger, more comfortable version of me nestles in my chest. he is sitting in front of the television, watching cartoons and playing with his lego sets. he's freaking out over dantdm tickets. he's crying when markiplier announces his world tour. he's drawing pieces in his sketchbook for his friends.

he has so much to look forward to. so little to carry on his shoulders.

why must i abandon him?

why must i take him away from these things that bring him joy, and tell him he can only do these things once he has faced what the world holds toward him? oh, he wants to go to a concert, hm? get money. find a job. stop asking your parents. he wants to go out into the city? get a license. buy a car. get money. find a job. go out and socialise. net-work. edit an assignment for six hours. have no free days a week. give up on all your passion projects. smother your innocent desires.

he will not survive the road ahead.

how can i?