I broke up with him. tw: suicide

I broke up with him and now I am officially the world's biggest dickead. 10 months. 10 MONTHS I THREW AWAY!!! 10 MONTHS!!! and now he's going to hate me and I don't know what to do anymore. 

don't get me wrong, I still love him. I can't just drop someone like him and not regret it, you know. I want to be friends but he doesn't want to talk to me for a week to process things, so I fear this might be the end.

why did you do it? you may ask. Well answer is simple enough: I'm not a very nice person. the day I broke up with him I almost got arrested, and ended up in a psychiatric unit due to an attempt on my life. right there, sitting in the anti-ligature wardrobe I decided that despite the attempt not working, my life  was already over. I don't even know why I did it. I have my reasons why, which I dont like to get into, but in that moment, I don't know why. 

it went about as well as I had expected. we've been through this before.

God I'm sorry. I've really fucked everything up haven't I. I promise its for the best, even though it does hurt right now. you can find BETTER. someone with your interests, someone with your kindness. ily.