Why I am like this? #1

Hello! I appreciate the little support you gave me in the previous Blog, generally I don't like to stay silent, and with that topic I was silent for more than a year, but that is not the topic now.

Today I will do this blog called "Why I am like this?" Within this title there will be many topics that I would like to talk about myself, if anyone also feels the same and advice to improve (I have a psychologist but she doesn't do anything).

The topic I want to talk about is how I feel about my body, and how this feeling can affect other people. I'm not fat, but my belly is big and I have somewhat wide arms. I don't exercise because just the word exercise embarrasses me (I don't even understand why). I don't like my body, I don't feel it is very feminine (my pronouns are they/he, Just in case) , my family tells me that if I lose weight I can have a good body, but I don't make an effort to do so, which frustrates me, I would like to do something to change my body but I don't do anything to change, I always say I will do something but in the end I don't do anything. You might wonder how this can affect other people (maybe not), but it's mainly because of envy... Yes, envy, when I feel bad I usually hurt myself mentally and if someone is close, that person too, it doesn't matter if I love them a lot (only one or two people are saved from it), In any case, I can end up insulting and bringing up sensitive topics for that person (I'm controlling myself little by little, it's not that I'm not trying to improve).

Envy is something very strong for me, I have gone to extremes of hurting someone physically because of this (I am not proud at all) and let's say my body is a delicate topic. 

How some could see my style (or subculture, I really don't know the difference) is Mcbling and/or Trashy Y2K, the clothes of those two are tight and short in most cases, and yes I have big arms and a big belly so it is more difficult, so I wear somewhat revealing clothes, but then when I sit on the chairs at school you can clearly see my belly, no matter how much I try to hide it, I can't, I just cover myself with my arms. I see my classmates and I see that they are calm, they do not have this same problem, which frustrates me and makes me envy them and get angry with them (which I can't control). I know that envy can be avoided by distracting yourself with other things, but if I am constantly thinking about my body, what do I do?

The only solution I see now to not offend anyone (because I already did it and I feel very bad about it) is to work on my body, do physical activity to be able to lose weight... And many people already told me that I have to accept my body and that I'm pretty anyway, but no, I don't want to look pretty for everyone else, I want to look pretty for myself.