Influencer. (A vent)

Someone called me an influencer. I've never been called that before, but I hated it.

When I was little, all I wanted was to be adored online and to have a large following and to be appreciated and admired for my artwork. I think this is because I just wasn't getting enough attention at home. As I grew older I kind of realized that online fame isn't all that. I don't mind the following that I have. I know it's bigger than most peoples, but still relatively small (10k at most.) Even with this size following, it's hard to believe that I have people constantly telling me that I'm attractive or amazing or talented or inspiring and etc. I don't mind the compliments, I accept them, but it's crazy to think that I do influence people. I HATE calling myself an influencer; it's very self-centered and it makes me uncomfortable.

This guy has my art as his profile, a rare occasion for me. The context is that he had asked OTHER people to send a picture of my outfit while I was in the chatroom. It felt genuinely dehumanizing. I'm a person, aren't I? Do I suddenly not get to be because I'm a pretty girl online? It felt more than dehumanizing it just felt sexist. It hurt me a lot more than it should have. I think it was because I was already having a bad day today, but I am a real person. 

This made me realize more than anything that I don't crave fame or attention anymore. I want to be recognized for my work yes, but I don't want a crazy fanbase like this. I can really only adore people's idolization of me to an extent, but truthfully it makes me uncomfortable.

I can't be myself.

I censored their username, but they came to my defense. (OMGG prince charming!!! /j) I was grateful but it feels a little too touchy to directly thank them at the moment. It made my heart flutter, but I was also sad that I would have to deal with these creeps even more so from now on. I've been REALLY quiet about my relationship status, even having to lie and say that me and my boyfriend are still together to this guy just to make sure he doesn't try and pursue me. I think it's time to cut him off though. (I have difficulty with boundaries and after typing this out I see that I should have unfriended this dude a while back.)

In general, though I've just been quiet about my relationship status. Here's the one place where I don't feel like I have eyes watching me. I got a lot of pity when I would vent on insta and so I stopped.

As I'm growing older, I feel estranged from wanting fame and influence. I'm kind of glad that I'm such my own person that I'm still a small content creator that can be themselves and not be under scrutiny 24/7. Even if I have friends that are much bigger content creators, I'm still me, I'm not even considered "influencers friend". I still have myself, and I still have my name, and not at an infamous/overly recognizable reach either.

They were the only person to make me feel normal. Due to being an autistic female who has gone through other trauma, many adults in my life idolized me. I've grown up being idolized and simultaneously being taken advantage of. I think it means a lot to me that this one guy stood up for me and doesn't see me as a spectacle or just a cool person, but a human worthy of love. It made my heart flutter.

xoxo Felix