call my amitriptyline, i'm overthinking !

as most of u know i'm a therian. but like. i wonder does it ever freak people out???? like i know of course it freaks PEOPLE out but i mean what about my friends??? i came out to my friend and they were all weird and stuff and i was like bro. this doesnt change anything about me. and they were like "oh ok" but like???????????????? why would anything change. i'm still weird, i'm still me. but i wonder mostly,, am i still weird??? like, just as me? as a therian, and being trans, and everything?? dude im. so dumb and done with myself. i feel like the people around me perceive me this way out of pity. if i were to break it off with my friend group i bet a good majority of them would be repelled to trans people without me. it's like i'm the only good but i'm not even GOOD. like i'm weird, and i know i am but still. i want to be 'cool smells like fruit collects bugs and has good handwriting' weird, not 'musical showoff therian quadrobist smells like rusty metal and only likes bugs because i'm trans' weird. i want to be cool sooo oo o o bad and yet i am literalhly not. 

speaking of being a musical showoff, i feel as though my choir dad (Mr. Molecricket, or Mr. MC for the sake of his privacy) just sees me as a literal voice. i was trying to vent to him the other day and he completely blocked ME out of the conversation. like it was about me, as a person in general, and not me for the person i am. he's questioned me to the point where i was uncomfortable, and he said me being a trans boy was just an 'identity crisis' and that 'in sophomore year i'd regret it' or some bs. this caused major dysphoria and more.. stinky thoughts. like,, am i even like real??? why can't i just be normal sometimes

and also, with mr. MC, he's trying to give me a female role for the musical we're having at our school. i mean, i'm grateful that he's wanting me to be a part of it, but a female role?? seriously?? i told him i wanted a specific boy role during 6th period today, and he looked at me ridiculously, like i was insane. after the bell rang i told him "i hate you so much, never talk to me again" in like a joking manner, but i was actually upset. he said "seriously?" and i told him "yeah". and then he walked up to me and tried to hug me but the hug only lasted for a second. the whole thing about him having me question my identity was a week ago at best, and i haven't talked to him or viewed him the same ever since. 

i'm sick of being called a girl. even my friends will call me my deadname, like my popular peers, and i'll just be too nervous to correct them. and it continues on and on and on. i don't know whether i should be excited for highschool or scared for highschool, because i'm going to cut my hair and try so hard to convince my parents to just LET ME BE WHO I AM or just say fuck it and become rebellious and end up hurting somebody to get my way (which never works, but oh well). MY DEADNAME IS DEAD FOR A REASON.

1st rant.

much love to all, ed