some observations i've made 2023-early 2024

- i realized part of the reason i need to value myself more is so i can have a marginally easier time telling when other's don't value me, so i can then protect the people i love from being devalued as well. i was very offended when someone told me i was susceptible to abuse, until i realized this, because i think of myself as relatively tough/thick-skinned/discerning. i am, in public/multidimensionally, but in more intimate situations (platonic, alterous, romantic), i tend to be surprised when people are even halfassedly kind to me because i don't think i even deserve that much. this is really weird for me, because i genuinely *am* discerning, i *do* have a good read on people; it's really not that i don't see 'red flags,' at all, but more that i used to be really comfortable gambling on the green 'underneath.' (i am now way less comfortable doing that.) i should get more across-the-board used to the knowledge that i've already found cerebrally; that it's not on me to dig for something hidden, and that if someone isn't putting in the effort to show me they care about me, they're not objectively bad nor automatically an untrustworthy caricature of a human being, but it's also not on me to self-sacrifice out of a duty to a hidden part of someone they're not comfortable showing to me in the first place. this doesn't make me selfish. not after what i've done for love. in fact, if anyone i've previously gambled on & devoted myself to in this way calls me selfish, *that* is not only a 'red flag,' but a dealbreaker, because 1) you sound like my parents, shitting on me for the ways in which i express care as an autistic person, and 2) we are not living in the same reality

- something horrifying i've realized is that by equating accountability/justice (i.e. "you did something bad, please make good") with punishment (i.e. "something bad will now happen to you") with children, we've created a society where a large number of people are now allergic to being held accountable as adults, by other adults, because it *feels,* deeply & viscerally, like they're being punished and therefore in social & even physical danger. in other words, a lot of people operate in the world from a position of "'i'm not being punished' or 'i'm being punished;'" and that's a self-oriented position, and an unhelpful duality, because if someone's done something hurtful to another person, the best outcome is 1) they realize they've hurt the other person 2) then develop empathy for the other person and finally 3) do what they can to amend what hurt they've caused. if you hurt someone else and your first thought is of how you will be punished, and you take action from there solely to avoid punishment (and therefore avoid accountability), i understand this and i am so, so sorry, i do understand it, deeply & viscerally, but it is also entirely unhelpful and it is likely you're not thinking of how the other person actually feels or what they actually need from you. this is my take on why football-tackling those inner demons is a social responsibility and not just a solely personal or mental one. if you don't, they will trap you in the broken, frozen landscape of a child's fear & not only will you be suffering, but so will the others you failed to connect with out of said fear. ❤️‍🩹 i know i always desire for those i love to know & feel it; to feel loved, seen/heard/understood, valued, and respected, even, and *especially,* when i've hurt them and i feel my guilt starting to put me in a chokehold, because that also happens to be how i alleviate my guilt; with action. 'means i need to tackle some demons

- empathy is overrated, sympathy, compassion, patience, openness & bluntness & having boundaries & protecting yourself are all underrated. love & connection are about so much more than empathy. love & connection are about the effort you show up to make externally, not only about your internal landscape. one cycles into the other ofc but neither neurotypicality nor perfect mental (or physical) health are required for love ❤️‍🩹👍🏻 the real problem (for lack of a better word) w/ ppl who fawn as a trauma response isn’t lack of empathy (it can stem from hyperempathy just as much); it’s that you j aren’t being genuine w/ yourself or others because you’re afraid to. it’s a form of dishonesty, not a lack of care

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