Narcissism.

⚠️ This blog was made to help you somewhat understand certain things, my childhood behaviors, and how I'm trying to better myself ⚠️

I'm going to be as up front and honest as possible here. I am a narcissist. But listen, It's not completely what you think.

Empathy

Truthfully, I've lacked basic empathy my entire life. That doesn't make me a terrible person though. I just don't quite understand the way people think most of the time. I think I do use some type of empathy but not the one that most people use. Instead of emotional empathy (Feeling how other people feel), I use cognitive empathy (Understanding how people feel).

Ex: If your mom died, I would understand why you would be crying, but I wouldn't feel any sadness for you.

Childhood Behaviors

Abandoning People

As a child, I had a habit of abandoning people. I never had a friendship last more than a year because, after a while, I would just cut off all contact with the friend for no reason. I'd never hang out with them outside of school and I would only start new friendships with people if they had something I wanted. As a child, I thought nothing of it, but now that I am older, I realize that I didn't actually consider these other kids to be real friends. I was only using them.

Stealing

I also had a habit of stealing. I would do it any chance I got. Sometimes, during recess in elementary school, I would ask to go to the bathroom, and when they would let me back inside to use the bathroom, I would walk to class and look through my classmates backpacks to see if they had anything I wanted. One time, I found a container of slime in one of the backpacks and I took it home with me. I played with it for about five minutes, and when I got bored of it, I threw it in the street and went back inside.

Envy

I hated whenever my classmates or siblings would get more attention than me. To the point where, if a classmate or sibling got hurt, I would be jealous that they were hurt instead of me because I wanted the attention. I would even hurt myself sometimes just so people would tend to me. I remember one day, also at recess in elementary school, a girl fell off of the swings and hurt her back. She had to be sent home and everyone at my lunch table was talking about her and hoping she was okay. I starting getting annoyed because she was getting too much attention for me. I didn't feel bad that she hurt her back. I just felt annoyed that everyone was talking about her.

Rage

I had (and still struggle with) extreme anger/rage issues as a child. Any little thing could make me angry and I would try to hurt anyone I could. In those moment of extreme anger, I didn't care who I was hurting. Even if it was someone I deeply cared about, I would hurt them.

Bullying My Siblings

I never bullied anyone at school but I was a terrible person to my younger siblings. I would ALWAYS hit or push them for no reason, trick them, test things out on them, and lie to them. It's all my mother can talk about when she brings up my childhood.

Trying To Better Myself

It's been really hard to "fix myself" because I haven't been able to get a therapist/psychiatrist yet and changing the way your entire brain works without the help of a professional is extremely difficult. I still don't have any feelings or remorse for the bad things that I've done, but I now understand that what I did was wrong, which is a good start. I've also been trying to find ways to help with my anger issues. Some things that I've found to be really helpful in calming me down are...

Baking

Bracelet Making

Coloring

and Eating the things a bake (lol)

I still have a long way to go and I for sure won't get that far without the help of a professional but I'm glad I have gotten to the point that I'm at. And I did it all by myself.

Sorry if you think I'm a terrible person after reading all of this. It's only natural. I'm not like this all the time and I haven't been this bad since I was a child/early teenager. Again, I am trying to understand myself more as well as fix my behaviors. Hopefully you understand.