it does (i swear) get better

tw: suicide

ya know, i wanted to kill myself for a long time but something just sort of clicked when i hit my 20s. don't get me wrong, i've still got that sweet ol' depression and anxiety, but it's been long enough since i've been actively suicidal that i'm starting to reflect on how my perspective of life has changed.

i think the thing that has always kept me going is the people in my life. after going through the worst waves of shame and self-loathing and feeling like a burden to others, i always ended up staying because someone at work had insane stories to tell and i just wanted to hear them talk. or a teacher told me they wanted to hear more of my writing. or a classmate and i bonded over something silly. or i had a really fun day with my friends regardless of how bad i was feeling

sometimes the reason you stay alive is to find people you want to hang out with and go "i will cook you dinner if you come hang out with me" and then suddenly you're cooking for 4 every week and you realize you've been getting up in the morning, no matter how hard it is, and even though you have no idea where to go from here or whether you'll make it in the "real world", you get to swap stories with people who've been sleeping through their classes and scraping by with C-'s and spending their 6th year at university. and the people who went to college for 4 years just to do something entirely different. and the people who swap careers every couple years because it's just worked out better for them that way. and then you realize the world is so much bigger than the little cave of anxiety and depression in your brain and you're not actually the worst person in that world. that life just...carries on. that there's no ultimate purpose to your existence that you have to find the moment you turn 18. it's just kind of about being around other people and having positive impact on others, as small as it may be.

sometimes the trauma gets to your head and you spend years making yourself small. and then something clicks and you go "you know what? it's ok to be annoying." and the best friends you always called your "siblings" actually start getting the sibling treatment you thought you'd never have again after falling out with family. so you chase them around the house like you're little kids and give them wet willies and annoy them, but it's okay because you finally get it through your skull that annoyance is a form of love. and suddenly you don't feel small anymore, but it isn't as horrifying as it once was.

and sometimes the silly writing thing you did in middle school and high school to articulate strong emotions that you didn't have the strength to tell other people...ends up becoming a genuine hobby. and then people like the writing, so you write more, and then the ball starts rolling and your stupid little 'big feelings' poetry becomes a genuine passion project that gets you up in the morning and going to events and becoming friends with people who you always thought would be pretentious and stupid but were actually...exactly like you in all the ways that matter. and suddenly you have a community and an artistic outlet that pays you money sometimes.

growing up is weird and difficult and i'm scared about it, but you know what? i don't want to kill myself anymore. i'm not in my parents' house anymore. now when i'm depressed, sometimes i rot in bed and feel that self-loathing, but most of the time i just meet up with a friend who'll either force me to do what i need to do, listen to me talk, or distract me with something stupid and fun. or i write about it and share it w people. or i force myself to go to events (even if i don't talk to anyone or get dressed) because it's just nice to hear other people talk.

guess this is a long-winded way of saying the same-old spiel of "it gets better". but weirdly, it does. jesus christ.

anyway, back to our regularly scheduled shitposting. thanks for coming to my ted talk