Journal Entry #98: 02/24/24 - Who Am I?

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。 

Normally these blogs are about what I did this week. This entry isn't going to be like that. It's not like my week was boring, in fact, it was somewhat eventful. I just need to think and speculate today rather than record.

Firstly, I don't think I'm taking good care of myself. My diet and by extension my bathroom habits are terrible. Obviously, I won't get into specifics here, but I just bought some healthier food to help combat this. I also have rashes on my body. I'm not sure what's causing them, but I think it might be my towel. I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't think I've been washing my towels frequently. I've also had trouble falling asleep and have occasionally awoken during the night randomly. Drinking tea before bed helps (sometimes) and other times it makes me have to use the bathroom before I can fall asleep. 

Second, I am beginning to realize the gap between who I am and who I want to be. I feel so distant from the things I want and the things I need. I've been buying so much crap but none of it will make me feel better, of course. I need friends. I get super excited to go to social events, but when I get there, I say minimal words, if any, to anyone. On top of that, I feel like I lack willpower, or really, I feel like I have the minimal amount of willpower needed to survive. I eat, I sleep, I do work, I express myself a little, and that's it. I lack the willpower to make my life better. It feels like my anxiety controls everything that I do, so much to the point that it's nearly invisible to me. I have to be willing to try and fail, and for whatever reason I am afraid to do these things.

I'm not exactly sure how to get out of this mindset, but if I don't, it will likely be my demise. I must keep going. Also, I'm wondering about my choice of degree. I like computer science and I don't want to move majors, but I feel like I'm going to end up taking jobs that are minimally related to my degree. 

I also need to get some things off my chest. This coming week is midterm and I have a lot to do and finish since the week after is Spring Break. Thankfully this means I should be able to enjoy some of my time off. However, I will be studying for a Cal II exam and a history exam since they'll be happening the week we come back. Also, I'm feeling a little jealous. Many students will be going with their friends to beaches, other countries, etc. during Spring Break. I haven't been invited to a trip and the rest of my family will not be on Spring Break while I'm home, so I'm going to have to spend it by myself. I can still drive around somewhere if I want, but there's no point in going too far alone. 

Also, I don't like how Spring Break is scheduled. In high school, Spring Break was the second week of March, when Sunday is daylight savings time. It also includes Pi Day and St. Patrick's Day. Well, when you're off the first full week of March, the week you come back you have to deal with daylight savings and then go straight to class the next day. I will always appreciate the extension of daylight, but this lineup sucks.

Speaking of daylight, spring is here. It's nice and bright by 6:30am. I've spotted many kinds of flowers blooming on campus, and I can tell that the days are getting warmer. Hopefully, we don't have too many cold snaps and severe weather outbreaks. Despite the issues I have with Spring Break that I outlined above, I'm excited to go home and I hope to find some respite there and recharge to take on the rest of the semester. I have lots of things I want to do and I hope I can do all of them.

I just need to make it through this week.

Tchau,

AstraGenesis   ┈━═☆

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。